The one that is solid gold and has been used to death by Lindsay One-Name (formerly Lindsay Lohan).
It has long been established that milkaholism is a disease of the mind, soul and wallet. Cow Milk is a very expensive and addictive substance, except for skim milk which is blue.
Many become hooked before they even have a cell phone. Parents often encourage their young children to consume this dangerous hamberger by-product a glass at a time. It is often cut with various mousy-brown powders containing caffeine into an immediate brain-popping extra-sugary liquid high. As if it needs help. While it is available, itself, in powdered from, that is just too yucky even for the most far gone. In any case, neither People nor TMZ has a single iPhone photo of Ms. One-Name consuming the powder through a straw.
Clearly, Ms. One-Name has a problem. It is widely reported that she has run up a super heavy credit card tab. Think heftier than the number of TBO's New French-colored Benjamins that a Lobbyist can jam into a Congressman's golf bag: $600,000, spent, largely, on Milk and Ovaltine. Always conservative Visa and Mastercard have either cut her off altogether or dropped her credit limit to $200,000.
Ms. One-Name's own father crashed her in-pad partying with her Muslim sister, Ali, because he couldn't charge a limo on the Discover Card he gets to use as her guardian. "This has to stop!" he is reported as saying. "You are endangering my frickin' feet!"
Despite it all, Ms. One-Name is still a fine actress. She has acted blotto in numerous roles as clubbing diva, missing Rolex witness and missing witness period. Her 2009 film, "Labor Pains" earned the distinction of a grand opening in Bucharest before ABC Family on Cable outbid Nuuk for its western hemisphere premier a month later. Her next blockbuster is scheduled to open in August 2010--and perhaps Greenland will land this one--In it, she has yet another convincing turn in support of mega-star Jessica Alba and the comedy team of Cheech Marin and Chong Johnson.
But her adiction and spontaneous crying jags over broken, white-coated tumblers may have cost Ms. One-Name her first Oscar-worthy role since "Herbbie Fully Loaded" (no pun intended).
In "The Other Side of 'Lost'", Ms. One-Name was to be transported by Amex Platinum Vacations to a remote island with night clubs under every manhole cover, there to discover the essence of throbbing smoke-monsters and improbable vodka mojitos. Unfortunately, American Express canceled her vacation and, as she was working for scale and paying her own way, the producers had to go find a comparable actress--if there is one--with a functioning credit card.
Not to mention the persistent mustache that inevitably forms over the lips of the addicted. While some may find it sexy, just think of experiencing it through 3D glasses, several feet high and nearly in your lap.
Okay, bad example.
Ms. One-Name tearfully declaims against reports of her addiction, but the music overwhelms even her powerful, if increasingly throaty, voice (oh so perfect in the musical "Prairie Home Vaudevillian"). And paparazzi sliding off the hood a a car are always whining too loudly. The tip-off, however, is that excessive milk consumption leads to career-threatening deposits of calcium in the hair.
Deny, deny all you want, glamorous Ms. One-Name, but something had to have turned your beautiful red hair to that limp, painfully undistinguished blond.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment