Panned Parenthood Saves A Couple Bil

The deal was struck!  The Bureaucracy was saved!  The Budget?  Not so much.

All American workers--aside from the shoe stink-dusters at the Senate gym--breathed a sigh of relief.  All Americans now work for the Federal Government in some guise and the Shutdown scared Whole Foods to death.  Who would buy cheese for $27.65 a pound?

Principled Republicans and Democrats...

Anyway, the politicians who keep us a couple Trillion ahead of a Four Trillion Dollar deficit came together for huge $39.5 Billion--yes, Billion, as in one Facebook share--cut in the non-gym Federal Budget.

But because of Principle...

Anyway, the only way to make the deal work was to finally fix Planned Parenthood.

No, Jesus!  Not that kind of "fix".  But, hmm,  hold that thought.

Planned Parenthood is the Bête Noir of Rightists everywhere, poor choice of racist French adjectives notwithstanding.  Most Republicans still think "Bete" is their second favorite century's top movie starlet or an exceptionally good gay-magnet concert performer.

Planned Parenthood advocates planning parenthood.  Instead of, like, using the driving beat of Bete's songs to time zygote-production the way the Pope and the Irish tried from before writing not in Latin to 1997 and ended up with floods of green beer and stumbling parades in every American city this side of Utah.

While the Deal that Statesmen... Sen. Not-Nancy Pelosi Reid and House Speaker John Boehner so honorably cut will barely prick the deficit, but it took the... "Planned" out of Parenthood.  The staffers, who were right up there with the House masseurs in payment security, are still working out the details, but it is pretty much like this:

Sen. Not-So and Speaker Johnny made a special joint announcement.  To a respectful playing of the anthem--borrowed from a film about a ship about as upside down and underwater as your average Fed-- "There Has to Be a Morning After", hauntingly performed by the Irish-French band RU2-486, the Congressional heroes declared that Planned Parenthood [correction] generously agreed to change its name to Parenthood: Home to the Spontaneous Generation [the crack about renaming it as "Fetuses In a Jar Associates", Speaker Johnny said, was "just my funny"], ship its birth control pills to China and turn its considerable marketing skills, instead, to running running gay sex clubs, handing out some FDA-approved "B", ah, hangover remedy and, most importantly, promoting Absinthe.

Library books containing the words "sex", "condom", "pregnancy" and "welfare" will be cleansed, in all generally empty suburban malls, with subsidized gasahol and tax-exempt cigarettes.  Henceforth, all TV characters will sleep in wool pajamas in  separate Twin Beds, if any of the latter can be found in Hollywood.

Bristol Palin buttons will be worn by all female tweens who seriously can not dance.

Sexually active post-tweens will be requried to marry or swear allegiance to Brigham Young.

Really, no more 3D Katy Perry or 1D Robert Pattinson posters.  Or Megan Fox.  Anything.

The list, as usual, is only limited by the imagination of Congress...

In an extremely brief Joint Congressional Session, the German-born Pope and the Luau-born TB0 and the now-available-for-weddings-and-bar-mitzvahs Glenn Beck will sign the Budget Deal together, hopefully before the Rapture wisks them, Sen. Harry and Speaker Johnny and all the kids away in the middle of...

I See Dead People

And Salvation!

The USA doesn't make much anymore.  Our TV's come from the Far East and that doesn't mean Newark.  Most of our cars are shipped in from the same Far East or even Canada.  We don't make most of our drugs, including crystal meth.

We have trade and budget deficits that make Fannie Mae look solvent.  We have transferred most of our non-Bourbon wealth to China.

Who doesn't want any more of our dollars or T-Bills or -Notes or -Bonds, steroids or not.

The Loonie in Canada and the Wallabie (if that what they call their formerly-80-cent-Dollar) in Australia are worth more than the US Trillion Dollar Bill with TB0's winning grin on it.

But, now, that dismal story is over.  And do you know why?

China.

Yes, that place with 1.gazillion people.  They've got a huge problem and we are the very large answer.

They have dead people.

So? you  say. Here, we call it n+ stage ObamaCare.  Every country has...  Oh.

That's right.  China, by virtue of having all those live people, has an overwhelming domestic problem.  According to USA Today, 9 Million burials a year.  Burials.  The Chinese are very traditional, respectful people and now they have the money to bury their loved ones instead of clandestinely scattering ashes on North Korea.

Only, all that money doesn't buy cemeteries.  Those things take up a whole lot of ground.

Hello.  China.  Far West.  Lots of gournd there.  Ever see Wyoming.  Hell,Virgina's got lots of tobacco-less scrub just waiting to grow all Mandarin.

So, America sells some of its from-sea-to-shining-sea subsurface clay to its bereaved friends in the Far East.  Think of the mortourism(tm).  How about outside Vegas?  It's not like they'll be building houses out in the desert for the next hundred years.  Hotels, funeral homes, Ghost Whisperer theme parks.

Headstone manufacture... okay. Curb your enthusiasm.  But all the service business, what we do best.  Or only.

And, the best part, for TB0 and the Chinese Fed (honest, they call it that but more graphically):  We'll take all those US Government Bonds piled up in Beijing filing cabinets as payment.  Happily.

At a 32% discount.

We're America.  We're not dead yet.