All Hail Not-Winners Month!

Are we back in Serbia?  The Serbs revere June 28 or June 15th, depending on which calendar you have handy--also known as St. Vitus Day--to celebrate their greatest battle, the one in which they lost their whole country to the Turks in 1389. 

Didn't we all think that was odd when we heard about it during the whole Kosovo mess?  Usually, one goes out of one's way to avoid defeats even more than the St. Vitus Dance.

Surely, Americans are not so bereft of victories that we need to dedicate a day to losing.  Or dancing, for that matter.

Not so fast.  There is always Virginia.

Virginia, the land of Washington and Jefferson and lots of other big winners is keen on dedicating a whole month--that is thirty times as long as the Serbs--to celebrating the biggest losers in the US since America's Indians invaded it from Asia and conquered the aboriginal Bison.

April, which fittingly begins with its own special day, has been declared by Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell to be "Confederate History Month".  Haley Barbour, who is Governor of Mississippi, thinks the idea of a month swapping in the mythical tales of the Gray Coats is extra swell.

Sure, there is a bunch of slave descendants and the usual Democrats questioning the idea, but, come on, didn't the Confederacy just flat out lose the Civil War (or The Chivalrous Contest to Keep the Three-Fifths in the Constitution, depending on your accent)?  Wasn't Southern Glory one of those things gone with the wind?

What's to celebrate?  Sword Surrendering at Appomattox Court House?  Sherman's Waltz through Georgia? Assassinating Lincoln?  Gray itself?

Perhaps, the flag-waving Guvs will argue that, for a while, the Confederate States of America was a beacon of liberty and was really, really effective in the early battles.  Okay, the early battles.  Isn't that a lot like winning the first half of the Super Bowl?  Is there a trophy and a hundred beer-can-sized rings for that?

And what flag should the Guvs wave?  Surely, the one that was the original, official flag of the CSA, the "Stars and Bars", which is not what you might think and didn't last as long as the CSA did.  But what about the one voted in just before the wind blew in?  Or the one adopted in between, which was mostly the same white that the CSA's Lee ultimately waved at Grant.

Perhaps, too, the Guvs will invite all those cranky slave descendants and usual Democrats who live elsewhere to vacation in Virginia, or even Mississippi, during April.  Guv Bob will probably have vintage chains and authentic overseer whips on display for visitors to the Virginia Confederacy Theme Park.  Maybe some historic cotton picking or related auctions for extra fun for the kids.  The Set-Fire-to-Atlanta ride is always a thrill.

Back to those silly Serbs.  Remember, now, that Virginia's celebration of not-winners is thirty times longer than the Serbs' single day.  The celebrated Serb defeat ended an kingdom that lasted thirty times longer than the Confederate States of America, start to flag-furling finish.

And Guv Bob?  Next year?  Just stick to April 1st.