Drill Babies(tm) to Get Twice the Brains

BP's Drill Babies (tm) need to evolve.  And fast.

The Gulf-Tar-based dolls are popular enough, especially on Alabama beaches, but, they are, as of now, yesterday's news cycle. Even The Alice and The Tea Party of Wonderland, whose early promotion of the dolls made them a must, have moved on.

The Oil Toy business moves faster than a diesel-powered Loop Current.

The developer of the Drill Babies line, had set to work immediately to diversify the line and to adapt to political pressure in the market.

The first addition was a Drill Baby Inaction Figure, complete with three-piece suit, a miniture Congressional Committee Hot Seat and functioning sweat glands.  The early prototype could only move one arm, but could point its index finger in three directions.  Now, both arms can move through the full 360 degrees needed.  A well-dressed adjunct is the near perfect replica of The Alice, only really, really tan.  The Alice figure's head swivels automatically away from other Drill Babies and in the direction of a truckload of assault rifle (being included as of yesterday).

The second is dressed like a deep sea fisherman and has a scale model of a 100 ton sea box (the model weighs less than one ton). The sea box can be attached to a fishing line and dropped in a swimming pool (sold separately) with no effect on anything.  But the resulting super cool thud can be heard in DrillBabyDrill headquarters (also sold separately) or at the Republican National Committee (sorry, already sold).

An additional accessory kit allows the fisherman Drill Baby to lower a true-to-scale, remote controlled Iranian Space Worm, equiped with a little rubber stopper in its mouth (whereever that may be).  The Tar Baby's Space Worm will snake through the very deep end and attempt jam the plug into any pool's filter or your ear, if you happen to be doing laps at the time.

The number one sold-separately accessory is a full set of 100 scale 55-gallon drums of Drill Baby Chemical Dispersant and Surface-Only Body Wash.  The directions make it clear that the dispersent should only be used in a pool your children do not frequent, like your asshole neighbor's. Clever marketing has made use of a Drill Baby without the dispersant completely unrealistic.  It's like a Transformer bot without a Megan Fox t-shirted doll to tuck under a crushed toy helicopter.  Or a pillow.

Real debate has centered on a third proposed Drill Baby line, targeted at young girls with strong stomachs.  The farsighted inventor designed the initial Drill Baby with room for a playful additions.  But, now, you can buy your child an extra Drill Baby head, arm or toe to add on.  (But, seriously, get the complete set of extras. Evolution moves quickly, too.)

It is easy--and, really, inevitable--for Drill Babies to "grow" their extra parts. But it is recommended that addition be made only after dunking the Drill Baby at least once in a salt water-heavy oil mix made with the Drill Baby Dispersant (using the free cruet). Without the use of the mix to modify the Drill Babies genome, the new parts won't stick very well.

A word of caution:  The grateful designer made The Alice-inspired add-on Drill Baby head unusually dense. So, what's new?  Well, that means it will likely fall off and stick for years to the kitchen floor. Or get itself scarfed up as your dog's last meal.