Arizona Month: Most Education is Illegal, too

Don't you wish you had made up Arizona?  It's a fiction Pulitzer just sitting there.

The Arizonium legislature, fresh from savoring this blog's definitive opinion that the Constitution need not apply, has outlawed school classes discussing anything about any specific ethnic groups, except for casinos and holocausts.

Also, school systems can not teach any course that promotes the overthrow of the US goverment or resentment of any White race, Upper class of people or gated community.  Teachers must only teach assimilation and integration, as long as minorities are not mentioned, and Individualism, but only as written by Ayn Rand and played, with a broomstick up his... by Gary Cooper.

Tearchers are so confused by their new obligations, they are reviewing text boooks page by...  Screw that, and Global Warming, burn them all.

The results are daunting, especially in history:

The Civil War (or the War to Overthrow the US Goverment In These Here Honorable Slaves States, depending on your flag pin) can not longer be taught, except as reason for Andrew Johnson's, and, later Bill Clinton's, impeachment.

The Revolutionary War can not be taught at all, because it was all about The Tea Party overthrowing the legitimate, if distant and tax-obsessed government of the 13 Colonies.

The Constitutional Convention is off-limits, not just as boring but because that distinguished junta, though unauthorized to do so, supplanted the then-legitimate, if tax-starved, government of the United States of America established in 1781.

Forget the Civil Rights movement, which precipitously replaced long-time Democratic governments with Republican upstarts in Southern States, all that worthwhile integration and motorized assimilation notwithstanding.

It is best to leave out G III's Sojourns in Iraq and Afghanistan, since it might give students the idea that really, really annoying goverments should be overthrown for having oppressive and intrusive governments.

So, maybe teach history over in Nevada.

Science is problematical, too, as orthodoxy is constantly challenged and often overthrown.  Thomas Friedman's recent discovery that the Earth is Flat is just one example.  The established fact of Intelligent Design, no doubt popular in Arizonium classrooms and subdivisions, has tossed over the once-entrenched Only-a-Theory of Evolution; Partical Physics has swept away the neat solar-system-of-the-atom drawings; the God-is-Highly-Pissed theory has buried the plate tectonics and other explanations of the earth moving.

More marshmallows, please.

Other academic examples are too numerous to list, but:  Texting has overwhelmed grammar, spelling and ellipses.  Can't teach that.  Craig's List and Classifieds; email and snail mail; rapping and poetry; cable and NBC; Velcro and buttons; Web fund-rasing and $10,000 a plate dinners; political depth, intelligence and knowledge has been ousted by high-pitched rhetoric, really great eyesight and nice legs.

Drill-Baby-Drill has been thrown overboard by Boom-Baby-Boom.

By the way, you might not want to display this blog post in Arizonium classrooms.