Congressional Republican outflanked Teabaggers today by leaking forth a new and really convincing Contract For America. In it, they pledge all of America's assets in exchange for a no-tax promise for all Americans, not just the rich and small businessmen like George Soros and Tom Cruise.
"America'r rich peoples' wealth and its resulting trickle can only be maximized if tax cuts are retained and improved to a zero marginal rate for those earning over $250,000 per year. Without nagging taxes, America's rich will be incentivized to invest their super wealth in new job-generating projects! That these projects are in China and Vietnam is best since the jobs are the type Americans don't really cotton to all that much, like in manufacturing which can be kind of dirty!" declared a House Republican in a simple black knit ski mask without his/her name emblazoned upon it.
"George III cut taxes for everyone for a couple election cycles and we want to be even more creatively destructive than that great indomitable American pet goat wrangler."*
*(In a later addendum, the statement was revised to "great American pet goat story narrator.")
Part of the promise is that Republicans, when put in power again by the Supreme Court, will not mark their ears ever again. It is unclear what that actually means.
Other clauses call for a freeze of hiring anyone other than security guards and for saluting anyone who is non-gay, non-Christian or non-Brown. Non-black is no longer considered much of nonsaluting problem.
Top goals are to Hedge-Fundize Social Security. The bold if Mickey-Mouse(tm) plan of turning Social Security over to Wall Street having been 2008'ed, Republicans now demand the use of hedge funds for all Americans retirement subsistence.
Republicans, patriotically on a mission, promised to roll back "Obamadontcare" as their very first missionary position: "Americans should only be screwed the traditional family way!" Also, Obama's Blue Cross Rejection and Termination Death Squads will be repurposed as redistricting committees.
Congress itself will be reprioritized and moved to K-Street where it belongs. Iraq will be forgotten, Afghanistan treated for bipolar disorder and Iran bombed back to the bronze age from which it almost emerged in the film "300".
Republicans realize that the American public is enraged enough to spurn coffee for tepid tea and is pretty much the way they were in "Network", so Republicans have resurrected their reassuring practice ducking and covering to avoid falling Flat-screens running Sean Hannity-Glenn Beck musical revivals.
Showing posts with label Sean Hannity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sean Hannity. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Arizoniums Must Avoid Alien Contact!
So says Stephen Hawking, the renowned expert on Dark Matters and Cosmetology.
Bravely, Hawking has weighed in on the debate in Arizona over that State's new Aliens Roundup Law. Hawking, in the upcoming "Into the Universe" TV show, uses a score of Beatles songs to get across his points that that aliens may not be all that smart but are likely very dangerous: "Do not approach them. Aliens will not understand English. And, for God's sake, do not ride with any of them in a pick-up."
Despite the Hawking revelations, many alien-lovers are imploring the President from Far Far Away to intercede and seriously bad-mouth the Arizona law. Neither Shrek nor Barak Obama were available for comment.
Such partisans have been dismissed by upstarts in Dark Matters, such as Glenn Beck of FOX U, who consider them leftovers from the warmly-embrace-invaders "ET" and "Close Encounters" generation. These are the very ones, Beck says, who missed the more recent and much more accurate "War of the Worlds" and "Transformers II".
Hawking, being British, does not know Glenn Beck or the legality of the Aliens Roundup Law under the American Constitution. The British may have their own alien problems, but they look far savvier than Americans, having written their constitution in invisible ink long before their western colonists plucked their first quill pen from an Indian Thanksgiving gift basket. Hence, the British do not have to worry about Sean Hannity reading selected words from their constitution to resolve important issues. (This topic, but not Sean Hannity, will be discussed in a later much less important post.)
Aliens, Hawking suggests, may be out there in large dark numbers and will attempt to cross our border in stealth vehicles too advanced to be seen by our Direct TV satellites. They will be seeking either resources to replace their own or, maybe, gardening jobs Americans don't want. Or both.
Worse, aliens may carry microbes that can annihilate native American Caucasoids with a deceptively chummy handshake. It could be deadly to hand them anything under the table. Hawking believes aliens may live in an environment with insufficient water to wash their hands thoroughly.
Do not panic, but they may even be attracted to Dry Heat.
Finally, Hawking emphasizes, it is simply too risky to even try to communicate with aliens. Leave that to the Arizona police.
Bravely, Hawking has weighed in on the debate in Arizona over that State's new Aliens Roundup Law. Hawking, in the upcoming "Into the Universe" TV show, uses a score of Beatles songs to get across his points that that aliens may not be all that smart but are likely very dangerous: "Do not approach them. Aliens will not understand English. And, for God's sake, do not ride with any of them in a pick-up."
Despite the Hawking revelations, many alien-lovers are imploring the President from Far Far Away to intercede and seriously bad-mouth the Arizona law. Neither Shrek nor Barak Obama were available for comment.
Such partisans have been dismissed by upstarts in Dark Matters, such as Glenn Beck of FOX U, who consider them leftovers from the warmly-embrace-invaders "ET" and "Close Encounters" generation. These are the very ones, Beck says, who missed the more recent and much more accurate "War of the Worlds" and "Transformers II".
Hawking, being British, does not know Glenn Beck or the legality of the Aliens Roundup Law under the American Constitution. The British may have their own alien problems, but they look far savvier than Americans, having written their constitution in invisible ink long before their western colonists plucked their first quill pen from an Indian Thanksgiving gift basket. Hence, the British do not have to worry about Sean Hannity reading selected words from their constitution to resolve important issues. (This topic, but not Sean Hannity, will be discussed in a later much less important post.)
Aliens, Hawking suggests, may be out there in large dark numbers and will attempt to cross our border in stealth vehicles too advanced to be seen by our Direct TV satellites. They will be seeking either resources to replace their own or, maybe, gardening jobs Americans don't want. Or both.
Worse, aliens may carry microbes that can annihilate native American Caucasoids with a deceptively chummy handshake. It could be deadly to hand them anything under the table. Hawking believes aliens may live in an environment with insufficient water to wash their hands thoroughly.
Do not panic, but they may even be attracted to Dry Heat.
Finally, Hawking emphasizes, it is simply too risky to even try to communicate with aliens. Leave that to the Arizona police.
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