TP'ing Republicans Pledge America

Congressional Republican outflanked Teabaggers today by leaking forth a  new and really convincing Contract For America.  In it, they pledge all of America's assets in exchange for a no-tax promise for all Americans, not just the rich and small businessmen like George Soros and Tom Cruise.

"America'r rich peoples' wealth and its resulting trickle can only be maximized if tax cuts are retained and improved to a zero marginal rate for those earning over $250,000 per year.  Without nagging taxes, America's rich will be incentivized to invest their super wealth in new job-generating projects!  That these projects are in China and Vietnam is best since the jobs are the type Americans don't really cotton to all that much, like in manufacturing which can be kind of dirty!" declared a House Republican in a simple black knit ski mask without his/her name emblazoned upon it.

"George III cut taxes for everyone for a couple election cycles and we want to be even more creatively destructive than that great indomitable American pet goat wrangler."*

*(In a later addendum, the statement was revised to "great American pet goat story narrator.")

Part of the promise is that Republicans, when put in power again by the Supreme Court, will not mark their ears ever again.  It is unclear what that actually means.

Other clauses call for a freeze of hiring anyone other than security guards and for saluting anyone who is non-gay, non-Christian or non-Brown.  Non-black is no longer considered much of nonsaluting problem.

Top goals are to Hedge-Fundize Social Security.  The bold if Mickey-Mouse(tm) plan of turning Social Security over to Wall Street having been 2008'ed, Republicans now demand the use of hedge funds for all Americans retirement subsistence.

Republicans, patriotically on a mission, promised to roll back "Obamadontcare" as their very first missionary position:  "Americans should only be screwed the traditional family way!"  Also, Obama's Blue Cross Rejection and Termination Death Squads will be repurposed as redistricting committees.

Congress itself will be reprioritized and moved to K-Street where it belongs.  Iraq will be forgotten, Afghanistan treated for bipolar disorder and Iran bombed back to the bronze age from which it almost emerged in the film "300".

Republicans realize that the American public is enraged enough to spurn coffee for tepid tea and is pretty much the way they were in "Network", so Republicans have resurrected their reassuring practice ducking and covering to avoid falling Flat-screens running Sean Hannity-Glenn Beck musical revivals.