Solve Old Crises, Have Fun Watching

This wasn't my idea, but I am duty-bound to spread it around like h1n1.

Making its way around the Internet is this new plan to resolve the a bunch of dire crises, including that of healthcare, nursing home shortages, Medicare/Medicaid and Social Security, all at one shot.

The "one shot" is a figure of speech, as you will see.

Now, you are surely thinking, "The damned Socialist Hawaiian Party is at it again."  I don't blame you, but you're all wrong this time.

The internet doesn't name the Party, but does refer to it as the "Right to Fight for Your Life" Party.  I googled for twenty minutes and could find nary a wiki on this group.  But it is such a Capitalistic pro-life idea that I have my suspicions.

It is a clever variation of "Survivor":  Give every person over 70 ten bucks in cash and an assault rifle the military lobby doesn't want, say anything under $25,000 per.  A couple clips of live ammo.  Put them on an island without a cell tower or a wilderness in a free state like Palinland (formerly Alaska). 

You can televise it, of course.  Forget Tribal Councils, the process won't take any longer than half a "Price is Right".  The winner gets to keep everybody else's sawbuck, ammo and assault rifles.  Each loser gets to have a free cremation televised on NBC in Leno's ex-time slot and any time on its cable channels.  And while you missed the day after Mardi Gras, you could still truck all the ashes to Vancouver and sell them to the Canadians as snow for Lindsey Vonn to blast over.

This new program is Capitalism at its best.  Players can bribe each other or sell faulty lead.  They can betray everyone's trust and then bargain for immunity.  Idol worship will be encouraged.  In the end, only one old person is left standing with pockets full of every other old person's money.  Which they get to carry to the next generation... round.

Subsequent rounds can be "Survivor" style or might go better as one-on-ones, in used Cirque tents pitched in key demographics around the United States.  This latter scheme might use brackets like March Madness, which itself includes every college in the country.  These matches might last about half as long as a beer commercial, keeping young viewers interest the whole time.

Think of the potential reward in that final round for the prevailing old, likely wounded Capitalist survivor.  Despite the visual appear, you would have to skip the idea of participants lugging along their cash each round.  Panamanian bank accounts are more efficient, but you'd still use a single ten spot as a symbolic spoil. 

Mind you, the amassed winnings would be taxable--keeping the Democrats happy-- at the end of the year, the games being long over.  Teams of attorneys and accountants would be on hand to structure tax shelters.  Vegas and Wall Street would establish betting lines to keep the younger generations invested in the outcome over the weeks.

But the key is the savings to all the crises mentioned at the outset of this piece.  Payouts under Social Security and Medicare would plummet.  Nursing homes could really care for their reduced patient load and that one ultimate Capitalist survivor, of course.  America's youth would work harder, secure in their financial futures and greatly accelerated inheritance.  America would once again be the beacon of Capitalism and the always-ironic Chinese would buy our bonds again, Dalia Lama or no.  And, no doubt, sell us any rope we would need.

I wish I could take credit for this not-lose-very-much-they're-old-people concept, but I can take credit for a second season.  Start with everyone over 65 and repeat.  How many seasons could this run?  Well, let's just say that CBS would have to shut down, but advertisers and their marketing plans could focus on that coveted 18 to 35 age brackets without the usual whining about ageism, which would only a cinder of an issue.