Hand Jive and the Law

The next step is down the slippery slope is finally underway.  Its not about guns, but something almost as commonplace in American Culture.  Jan Larimer, the RNC Co-Chair (and why not "chairman", this being the Republican Party National Committee) made the announcement:  Republicans have decided to regulate another part of the female anatomy, the reproductive organs pretty much sewn up.

But what part(s)?  Oh, give up.  You won't get it.

Their hands.

Co-Jan spelled out for the Party apparatus what males of all political persuasions already suspected, but dared not say:  Women need to have their hands held.  Not "want", you wishy-washy, hands-off Democrats, "need".

I don't know what prompted the landmark announcement, but it makes me feel both proud and smart.  Why now?  Maybe, the Scaliaist Court was about to legis... rule on the hands issue later this Spring.  Knowing, as all men do, that Co-Jan is right about this, I can only say, "About time!"

Since the '60's, women have been pretty brazen about their hands.  They stopped wearing white gloves for most functions and putting on hemp-wreath rings on their fingers (not that I knew any such women).  Many began raising their hands in High School and College classrooms.  Some would wave at friends across the street like they were Queen Elizabeth II.  Feminine hands would sneak their long French-nailed fingers into the cookie jar for hard earned dollars intended for an X-box or a case of Bud.

The breaking point for Republicans and me was surely, the use of Hillary Clinton's hand to throw her pink flowered hat into the Presidential Primary ring.  Now, she's using that same hand (or maybe not, since she is probably left-handed, you know, the way she is) to shake the hands of International leaders.  Recent Democratic women's Big-Brown-inspired finger-paint...(Oops again. Sorry, sorry NPR) -pointing may have finally sealed the deal.

So it is, finally, that the Republicans have acted.  Women's hands must be held, preferably both.  If you need more than one guy or Born Again Christian woman to do it, call 666...  That's enough really, and talk to Co-Jan directly.  She will dispatch local Volunteer Hand Police to enforce the new rules the way the Taliban kept all those charcoal gray Burkas in place, but without the soccer stadiums, which we don't really have.

I know the Constitution and Bill of Some Limited Rights will not stand in the way, as women were not even in the Constitution except to be counted as more fifths than slaves for census purposes.  Being counted is protected and women will be counted until it is time for something important.

An unintended but sweet consequence is that women will not be allowed to own cats, which are already in short supply since so many have been sold in France last month by Google.  It takes two free hands to hold a cat in order to kiss its head because cats hate that. 

Note, I said, "free" hands.  Not any more.  Not here.

The Scaliaist Court may still have to intervene, as it is not clear if both hands must be held or if one can be free (if you can call it that) to talk endlessly on a cellphone or clutch a purse.  Is it all the time or just when women are thinking serious thoughts as they are wont to do on occasion?  Maybe it is only when they want to turn thought into action or, worse, speech.

I always thought that my wife wanted to hold my hand as we walked down the boulevard, unless, of course, she was in a hurry to get to the shoe store before it closed, at which point she would drop my hand in disgust and take off like a 2008 Corolla.  The fact is that she needed to have her hand held.  (Trust me, you didn't want to suggest that without your best Ronald Reagan impression.)

Under the new Regs, women can still raise their hands in class, but only when it is held by a man or an approved woman.  The latter can be quite efficient--always a plus in a pretty free market society--because you get two women's held hands with one, I don't know, stone?  Which we won't have to use up throwing at defiant or lonely tabby-secreting women kneeling together in that soccer stadium we still don''t have in spite of David and Posh Beckham's best efforts.  Yet.

I realize that am getting way ahead of myself and polite society, but I am a blogger.  How about women's feet?  I know from personal experience that these feet can be disturbingly sexy when used properly under a starched, white linen clothed table or a 500-thread-count Egyptian cotton sateen-weave sheet and damn the color.  I'll email Co-Jan to see if she can schedule a hearing or something on women's feet.  I'd include the ankles, too, since they are attached and can be way too nice too look at in five inch heels.