Raptureless Pets At Risk? Not Anymore

Why didn't I think of this?

Pets owned by the Born Again, at least the really good Born Agains, are going to be Left Behind.

That's right.  When the Rapture happens, we all know that cubicles, churches and Boeing 777's will be left partly empty.  Not that they can hurt anybody, since they will simply sit there and will just generate less revenue.  But subways, ocean liners and Segways, get out of the way.  Think Toyota Corolla without steering.  If you're still here to think.

I have been way too preoccupied thinking of those complications and missed the whole pet issue.

Pets can not be Born Again.  Jesus did not even have a dog and forget the whole fish explosion thing; those were tilapia not goldfish.  So, when a hapless pet's holier-than-thou owner is whisked away, the poor animals will, in many cases, be left to fend for themselves.

Some guy named Bart "Simpson" Centre has a lovely idea.  He will rescue, for a small contribution, your pet if you book heavenward.  You can look it up and make your own deal at eternal-earthbound-pets.com.  Humanitarians like this are hard to find, even for $110 for a decade-long commitment.

Any flaws?  For guaranteed care, Bart is, rightly, relying on atheists to do the adopting.  Only atheists are sure to be around.  Many non-atheists and even some unmarried gay couples are secretly eligible for the Nonstop to the Pearly Jetway, so who else can you count on?  I do worry that the pets will not adapt well to a Godless household after living in an elect environment.  Do atheists say five minutes of grace before kibbles?  How would a Savior-deprived little Nemo take the mere sight of porcelain deity worship?  Can a kitty used to purring to Bible versus get used to a litter box filled with shredded Gideon Gospels?  These are real questions that Bart, and, really, all of us, must deal with.

What about the separation anxiety of a Raptured's pit bull?  An atheist would have to be a psychiatrist or swilling a Afghan Poppy Juice-Red  Bull Cosmo to take that one on.  Or a Siamese?  Give me the psycho pit bull, thank you very much.

Perhaps, I am overreacting.  The Rapture was supposed to happen a few times in the past and was delayed for reasons above my nano-pay grade.  Maybe, it won't happen until Global Warming kills a couple million more species, including your parakeet and Ejad's space turtles.  God is merciful much of the time and does work in ways too mysterious to figure.

After some thought, I have an approach quite different from Bart's and far easier.  If you love your pet, I suggest sinning, either often or once really seriously.  Join a parade at Disney World or make a Haitian pact with Satan if you expect the Rapture late next week.  That is the only way to truly protect your pet from a life on half-deserted boulevards or in an atheists den of... well, with an atheist, it doesn't matter, every den is a pit of sin.

And the Rapture?  Once you've done that and your pet is safe, then, as George III so aptly said, Bring It On.