Newt Invents Ottoman For His Feet

Newt Gingrich is a man with two left feet stuck permanently...

[don't go up there!]

Newt Gingrich is an historian. Of all the Republican presidential aspirants in 2011-2040 campaigns, only Newt knows history. All other Republicans except maybe Mitt, know history through the best of all Republican historian known as Moses. Newt, alone, makes up his own.

Lately, Newt has disturbed Proximanians with his scholarly declaration that someone else  made up the Palestinian People (now known as the Proximanian "Laterians"). Now, he is himself disturbed, probably because these Invented People were not a concoction of one of his books, which you can have him sign.  Pretty much anywhere near an early primary.

Still, thanks to Newt, everyone knows that the outmoded term “Palestine” (ingeniously supplanted by the historically better Proximania^tm) never really existed. Palestine was never a state, like, say, Rhode Island, just a part of the Ottoman Empire.

Newt, being an historian, did not bother to define the Ottoman Empire, but it is probably a furniture chain in Georgia accenting the accent pieces that are big footstools. It is hard to establish the origin of the padded footstool, but the chain seems to have started in Eastern Turkey in the 1300's. By 1517, Ottomans were in every master bedroom in Jerusalem and probably the suburbs, like Tel Aviv, and any pubs named Beer-Something-Or-Other.

But it seems Newt dozed off with his feet stuck up on an Ottoman before finishing his Levant 101 syllabus.

Newt makes no reference to what came before the shepherds around the Jordan River began relaxing with their Birkenstock Gizehs up on those cushy stools. Perhaps, Newt believes that the Earth, or at least, the Mideast, was created in 1517, but, as a historian, he knows Irish Archbishop Jimmy Ussher proved that Creation predates Newt's implied date by 5521 years, squarely on a pre-NFL Sunday in October, with that famous bye after the ensuing and busy week.

This kind of confusion can spell doom for any presidential campaign. This is not like guillotining the overcrowded Supreme Court down to eight; or mixing up Iran and Iraq, which will happen in a few years anyway; or abolishing the Department of Oops, which everyone favors no matter what it means.

This is the most fundamental of stuff, especially to Republicans who need to know just how far to turn back the clock.

So, for the next debate, maybe, the Donald can ask Newt to clarify the defining foreign policy issue of the Republican Presidential campaign of December 2011: Did Ottomans, or even feet, exist prior to 1517 AD in Proximania? And who the hell owned them?

Helen Thomas is Right About Moving

As usual there is much ado about anything that anyone says about anything.  Helen Thomas, the premier White House Seat Filler for years, is just the latest.

All Helen said was that the Israelis (known here as "Firstians") should get out of [Proximania(tm)].  (Helen actually said Palestine, but this Blog no longer uses that term, having invented a new, improved and trademarked one, Proximania.)  Helen opined, outloud, that the Firstians should go back where they came from, that being, as she recalled first-hand, Germany and Poland and, maybe, the US.

At first bright-red blush, this may sound incredibly stupid.  This, even while taking into account that Helen is, like Miss USA, of Lebanese descent and breathtaking, if in an entirely different way.  Helen thinks it only fair that the land of Proximania be returned to the people who were originally there.

Uh oh.

Helen is really old, but not old enough to remember when the Laterians (aka "Arabs") first took over Proximania.  It was pretty recent, in Proximanian years, in 638.  A couple thousand years before that the Firstians wandered into Proximania without the aid of a Garmin or iPhone app.  Because the Firstians were in Proximania before any of the other current claimants, they get to be called that.  Unfortunately, as is the case with most real estate, the Firstians couldn't hold onto the place and all manner of historical rivals took over the neighborhood.

(All of this you should know already, since you surely have read this Blog's background piece about the neighborhood.)

In any case, after all the Babylonians, Greeks, Romans and a few others tromped all over Proximania, the Laterians arrived, however late, conquered and held it for a few hundred years, after which the Turks took over.  The Turks are not Laterians, in case Helen forgot.

After World War I, the Turks were essentially replaced by the British, who, as usual, screwed up an entire region to make themselves feel important.

But Helen doesn't really care about that, nor should she.

Pretty much everybody in Proximania claims to be biblically descended from Abraham.  The Laterians claim descent from Abraham's first born, Ishmael, Firstians from number two son, Isaac.  Sounds pretty equal until one recalls that Abraham sent Ishmael packing so he could give everything in and around his tent to Isaac.  This was probably unfair, but Ishmael was smart enough to go where the oil was, while Isaac got stuck with sheep, goats and the as-of-then unbuilt Jerusalem.

Take a minute to calculate who got the better deal.  Use a computer.

Ishmael's descendants, the Laterians now seem to want the oil and the sheep, goats and since-built Jerusalem. But Helen doesn't see that as a problem since the Laterians were there when she was born, so she was an eye-witness to their rights.

However, astonishingly dumb that may sound, Helen is still right. Everyone should go back where they came from. To show evenhandedness, start with Americans. It is well known that no one was in America to begin with. Dinosaurs, ferns and cockroaches, maybe, but people? Nope. So, every American must go back to...

Before you leave, Helen, help your fellow Americans out, here. Where did Americans come from? Really.  Or Europeans? Nigerians? The Hawaiians? Not to mention the Firstians and the Laterians Proximates.

The answer has been established in this Blog (see link above) and, admittedly, elsewhere.

It all started with the Big E, Mitochondrial Eve. So, starting tomorrow, everyone--repeat, everyone--everywhere, including Helen, pack one carry-on and report to the nearest train station. Next stop:  Kenya.