Job Growth Solved by the Part Employee

Wow!  The Big O wants to give employers, especially small ones, big tax credits, $5000, for hiring each new employee.  That's great!  If you still have your business.  Or if your business makes a profit and actually pays taxes.  Which leaves out Oil Companies.

Really small businesses (No, George, not Small-Caps and why aren't you in Haiti?) often can not afford to hire on full person who might double their workforce.  Paying these new employees takes cash or credit cards you haven't maxed out already.  Not paying their payroll taxes sends you off to Kansas, too.

The solution is the Part Employee or, more accurately, the Derivative Employee.  Don't hire a complete employee.  Some of Wall Streets Quants--those discredited investment Geeks back to wearing propeller caps and living in packs just across the hall from a blond bombshell--should be tasked with creating computer programs to slice up, virtually, that is, new employees into tiny pieces that even your laid-off-and-now-entrepreneurial-handyman/consultant can hire. 

Even Part-timers are too big and costly for most small business to add on right now.  Quants would use smaller fractions, no doubt, but one-ten-thousandth is illustrative.  Say, you only need some marginal increase in workforce.  In your case, then, 23/10,000ths of an employee's intelligence, coupled with 400/10,000ths in shelf-stacking power and 172/10,000ths in touch Blackberry thumbing might do the trick. At least until carpal tunnel syndrome shuts down the thumb joints or the Republicans take over again.

Throw in around 463/10,000ths of an Illegal to keep your diced wages down and the potted Bonsai on your desk groomed.  

A professional blogger might need someone with 9,000/10,000ths in spelling ability and 100/10,000ths in sense of humor.  You get the idea.  The Quants would algorhythmically slice employees up into ever smaller, more esoteric bytes, like Cuisinarting carrots just short of a puree.

I don't know if the $5000 tax credit would apply to each ten-thousandth of a Derivative Employee.  Probably not, now that I've laid out the program.  Maybe I should have waited until after the filibuster.

There is something for the Republicans in this.  Profits would no doubt soar if newly chatty giant corporations could apply this new Derivative Employee scheme to current employees.  But that is another thing altogether and will have to wait until Big Brown becomes the lightly-crusty President Pro-Tempura of the Senate.

Yes, I heard you, but it wasn't why I came up with this plan.  That would be self-serving.  You are right, though, these Derivative Employees can be--should be--paid in my own newly amassed and partially hedged currency, Nano-dollars.