Study: Pets Listen Better than Husbands

According to the study, a full one third of all women think pets listen better.

Including a crayfish.

But do you really need a post on this one?

Of course, pets listen better than husbands.  First, of all, they have much better hearing, picking out the sliding sound that a cat food can makes coming off the shelf and what lawn mower?  Men can only pick out the sound a six-pack makes landing on the counter and in the middle of the first quarter.

Mostly, though, it is the questions directed to the recipient:  And worse, the answers expected.  Do women expect their pets to answer in complete phrases?  A wag of the tail seems acceptable for any dog; a snout wrinkle for a pig; a blank look for a cat.

Husbands, over time, have experimented with complex gestures, like palms and shoulders up; pleasant expressions like a smile; or single word all-purpose responses, like "fine", all with limited success.

Does a turtle have to worry that "beautiful" will be rejoined with "As beautiful as that little Megan at the Olive Garden?"  Turtles can seem to take their time to answer, as well.  Husbands have, maybe, a nano-second.

Sample questions from the study:

Pet:  Do you want to go pooh-pooh?
Husband:  This black pump or... this black pump?

Pet:  Do you like flaky salmon?
Husband:  So, do you like cold Tuna Helper?

Pet:  Do you love mama?
Husband:  Will you still love me when I can't wear five inch heels?

Pets:  Do you like "Gossip Girl", too?
Husband:  Why, exactly, do you like "Gossip Girl"?

Pet:  Isn't Daddy an asshole for forgetting his anniverary?
Husband:  You can't remember one lousy day a year, you asshole?

Pet:  Sit on mama's lap?
Husband:  And where was that lap during Happy Hour?

Pet:  I know you won't say anything to Daddy, right?
Husband:  Why can't you talk to me?

Pet:  Do you want to go outside?
Husband:  Do you want to sleep in the driveway?

So.  Reverse the questions and see how much that damned pet listens.

And are they sure it was only 33%?

We've Got The Second Craziest Guy

You thought Pat Robertson had retired the title of Craziest Guy on Earth.  Maybe, so, but the competition has been reopened.  Bring Pat's jersey down from the rafters of God Memorial Soccer Bowl.  There's a new nut in town.

Fortunately, not your town.  This time.

As we all know, Pat Robertson has insightfully blamed practically every natural disaster since he matriculated kindergarten on gays and girls behaving badly.  Hurricanes regularly punish Orlando for Disney's parades.  Haiti's recent earthquake resulted from the Haitians contract with the devil to have voodoo and sunshine in place of Christian souls.  Thankfully, the Rev's been too busy compiling lists of punishees what with all the earthquakes God has unleashed pretty much anywhere a tectonic plate is attached to a Toyota with a mind of its own.  9/11 was brought upon us by any woman who has a mind of her own.

Well, Pat, take a back seat in that Toyota.  The BBC says you've got company.

Iranian Cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi ("Hojo" to his friends on this blog) lectured his flock in Tehran on April 16th that earthquakes are generally caused by women. Young women, girls.  The ones who show their... hair on their foreheads; the ones with clothes that have actual tailoring; the ones with hemlines hiked up above their insteps.

Allah ("God", to Pat's friends on this blog) is watching these young women like they were on "Gossip Girl".  It is not known specifically what Allah thinks of Serena and Blair's headbands, but it can't be good:  There is an awful lot of beautiful hair and matching extensions showing.  It is one thing for infidels in New York to wear provocative headgear, as Allah can barely cast a disapproving eye for all the bouncing tresses, but in Tehran?  That means scarves at least the size of a Megan Fox skirt.

In Hojo's Tehran, less is more virtuous.  The less a woman shows Allah, the better Allah likes it and there is a lot for him to like in Iran these days.  Which is great, piety is next to... (back from Wiki) ... actually is godliness.

This blog has faced Iranian issues before, such as space turtle mail  and misuse of both space and worms.   It has also consistently taken up the cause of women, pointing out that women in politics need their hands securely held and should not move about the planet without that help; that women, even at the executive level, are still made to push envelopes, presumably with their unheld noses; and women, especially, young women should be treated with great respect as Uterine Holding Devices.

It is best, then, that this blog stick to Serena, Blair and Megan, while leaving the topic of Iranian women to an expert like Hojo, himself.

As to women causing earthquakes?  You know that part already.  Forget all that shifting tectonic plates stuff, an earthquake is really just the earth moving.

Fortune Reveals Powerful Women Push Envelopes

Fortune Magazine's Pattie Sellers has a blog on CNN.com and her blog revealed last week that powerful women push envelopes.

Now, this will surprise regular readers of this particular blog.  Not long ago, I posted an important piece on the new Republican-sponsored requirement that all women have their hands held (earlier post "Hand Jive and the Law").  Although the regulations have not been promulgated as yet, women in positions of power clearly must have both hands held, they being unable to advance to the top with unheld hands.

The Fortune blog post deals mostly with the secret need for female execs to meet together.  Fortune even has The Fortune Most Powerful Women Summit to accommodate this need.  I'll bet there are other more clandestine meetings.  Guess what goes on at these meetings.

Do you think "Kumbaya" is sung also?  In a soundproofed room.  (Can you guess what genus Kumbaya?)

Call me suspicious (silently, not in a comment), but I wonder if Pattie's blog is right.  I know that it is Fortune and is on CNN.com, after all, not FOXViews.com, and it does make some sense, since properly held hands can't really lift anything.  Still, isn't envelope pushing more of a sec... administrative assistant's job?  What, you see the CEO of Pepsi or Dupont peeling-and-sticking stamps, too?

Ultimately, though, I can't see how these top execs would push their envelopes anyway.  Aren't their noses too high up... in the air?