Study: Pets Listen Better than Husbands

According to the study, a full one third of all women think pets listen better.

Including a crayfish.

But do you really need a post on this one?

Of course, pets listen better than husbands.  First, of all, they have much better hearing, picking out the sliding sound that a cat food can makes coming off the shelf and what lawn mower?  Men can only pick out the sound a six-pack makes landing on the counter and in the middle of the first quarter.

Mostly, though, it is the questions directed to the recipient:  And worse, the answers expected.  Do women expect their pets to answer in complete phrases?  A wag of the tail seems acceptable for any dog; a snout wrinkle for a pig; a blank look for a cat.

Husbands, over time, have experimented with complex gestures, like palms and shoulders up; pleasant expressions like a smile; or single word all-purpose responses, like "fine", all with limited success.

Does a turtle have to worry that "beautiful" will be rejoined with "As beautiful as that little Megan at the Olive Garden?"  Turtles can seem to take their time to answer, as well.  Husbands have, maybe, a nano-second.

Sample questions from the study:

Pet:  Do you want to go pooh-pooh?
Husband:  This black pump or... this black pump?

Pet:  Do you like flaky salmon?
Husband:  So, do you like cold Tuna Helper?

Pet:  Do you love mama?
Husband:  Will you still love me when I can't wear five inch heels?

Pets:  Do you like "Gossip Girl", too?
Husband:  Why, exactly, do you like "Gossip Girl"?

Pet:  Isn't Daddy an asshole for forgetting his anniverary?
Husband:  You can't remember one lousy day a year, you asshole?

Pet:  Sit on mama's lap?
Husband:  And where was that lap during Happy Hour?

Pet:  I know you won't say anything to Daddy, right?
Husband:  Why can't you talk to me?

Pet:  Do you want to go outside?
Husband:  Do you want to sleep in the driveway?

So.  Reverse the questions and see how much that damned pet listens.

And are they sure it was only 33%?

Raptureless Pets At Risk? Not Anymore

Why didn't I think of this?

Pets owned by the Born Again, at least the really good Born Agains, are going to be Left Behind.

That's right.  When the Rapture happens, we all know that cubicles, churches and Boeing 777's will be left partly empty.  Not that they can hurt anybody, since they will simply sit there and will just generate less revenue.  But subways, ocean liners and Segways, get out of the way.  Think Toyota Corolla without steering.  If you're still here to think.

I have been way too preoccupied thinking of those complications and missed the whole pet issue.

Pets can not be Born Again.  Jesus did not even have a dog and forget the whole fish explosion thing; those were tilapia not goldfish.  So, when a hapless pet's holier-than-thou owner is whisked away, the poor animals will, in many cases, be left to fend for themselves.

Some guy named Bart "Simpson" Centre has a lovely idea.  He will rescue, for a small contribution, your pet if you book heavenward.  You can look it up and make your own deal at eternal-earthbound-pets.com.  Humanitarians like this are hard to find, even for $110 for a decade-long commitment.

Any flaws?  For guaranteed care, Bart is, rightly, relying on atheists to do the adopting.  Only atheists are sure to be around.  Many non-atheists and even some unmarried gay couples are secretly eligible for the Nonstop to the Pearly Jetway, so who else can you count on?  I do worry that the pets will not adapt well to a Godless household after living in an elect environment.  Do atheists say five minutes of grace before kibbles?  How would a Savior-deprived little Nemo take the mere sight of porcelain deity worship?  Can a kitty used to purring to Bible versus get used to a litter box filled with shredded Gideon Gospels?  These are real questions that Bart, and, really, all of us, must deal with.

What about the separation anxiety of a Raptured's pit bull?  An atheist would have to be a psychiatrist or swilling a Afghan Poppy Juice-Red  Bull Cosmo to take that one on.  Or a Siamese?  Give me the psycho pit bull, thank you very much.

Perhaps, I am overreacting.  The Rapture was supposed to happen a few times in the past and was delayed for reasons above my nano-pay grade.  Maybe, it won't happen until Global Warming kills a couple million more species, including your parakeet and Ejad's space turtles.  God is merciful much of the time and does work in ways too mysterious to figure.

After some thought, I have an approach quite different from Bart's and far easier.  If you love your pet, I suggest sinning, either often or once really seriously.  Join a parade at Disney World or make a Haitian pact with Satan if you expect the Rapture late next week.  That is the only way to truly protect your pet from a life on half-deserted boulevards or in an atheists den of... well, with an atheist, it doesn't matter, every den is a pit of sin.

And the Rapture?  Once you've done that and your pet is safe, then, as George III so aptly said, Bring It On.