Newt Invents Ottoman For His Feet

Newt Gingrich is a man with two left feet stuck permanently...

[don't go up there!]

Newt Gingrich is an historian. Of all the Republican presidential aspirants in 2011-2040 campaigns, only Newt knows history. All other Republicans except maybe Mitt, know history through the best of all Republican historian known as Moses. Newt, alone, makes up his own.

Lately, Newt has disturbed Proximanians with his scholarly declaration that someone else  made up the Palestinian People (now known as the Proximanian "Laterians"). Now, he is himself disturbed, probably because these Invented People were not a concoction of one of his books, which you can have him sign.  Pretty much anywhere near an early primary.

Still, thanks to Newt, everyone knows that the outmoded term “Palestine” (ingeniously supplanted by the historically better Proximania^tm) never really existed. Palestine was never a state, like, say, Rhode Island, just a part of the Ottoman Empire.

Newt, being an historian, did not bother to define the Ottoman Empire, but it is probably a furniture chain in Georgia accenting the accent pieces that are big footstools. It is hard to establish the origin of the padded footstool, but the chain seems to have started in Eastern Turkey in the 1300's. By 1517, Ottomans were in every master bedroom in Jerusalem and probably the suburbs, like Tel Aviv, and any pubs named Beer-Something-Or-Other.

But it seems Newt dozed off with his feet stuck up on an Ottoman before finishing his Levant 101 syllabus.

Newt makes no reference to what came before the shepherds around the Jordan River began relaxing with their Birkenstock Gizehs up on those cushy stools. Perhaps, Newt believes that the Earth, or at least, the Mideast, was created in 1517, but, as a historian, he knows Irish Archbishop Jimmy Ussher proved that Creation predates Newt's implied date by 5521 years, squarely on a pre-NFL Sunday in October, with that famous bye after the ensuing and busy week.

This kind of confusion can spell doom for any presidential campaign. This is not like guillotining the overcrowded Supreme Court down to eight; or mixing up Iran and Iraq, which will happen in a few years anyway; or abolishing the Department of Oops, which everyone favors no matter what it means.

This is the most fundamental of stuff, especially to Republicans who need to know just how far to turn back the clock.

So, for the next debate, maybe, the Donald can ask Newt to clarify the defining foreign policy issue of the Republican Presidential campaign of December 2011: Did Ottomans, or even feet, exist prior to 1517 AD in Proximania? And who the hell owned them?

Helen Thomas is Right About Moving

As usual there is much ado about anything that anyone says about anything.  Helen Thomas, the premier White House Seat Filler for years, is just the latest.

All Helen said was that the Israelis (known here as "Firstians") should get out of [Proximania(tm)].  (Helen actually said Palestine, but this Blog no longer uses that term, having invented a new, improved and trademarked one, Proximania.)  Helen opined, outloud, that the Firstians should go back where they came from, that being, as she recalled first-hand, Germany and Poland and, maybe, the US.

At first bright-red blush, this may sound incredibly stupid.  This, even while taking into account that Helen is, like Miss USA, of Lebanese descent and breathtaking, if in an entirely different way.  Helen thinks it only fair that the land of Proximania be returned to the people who were originally there.

Uh oh.

Helen is really old, but not old enough to remember when the Laterians (aka "Arabs") first took over Proximania.  It was pretty recent, in Proximanian years, in 638.  A couple thousand years before that the Firstians wandered into Proximania without the aid of a Garmin or iPhone app.  Because the Firstians were in Proximania before any of the other current claimants, they get to be called that.  Unfortunately, as is the case with most real estate, the Firstians couldn't hold onto the place and all manner of historical rivals took over the neighborhood.

(All of this you should know already, since you surely have read this Blog's background piece about the neighborhood.)

In any case, after all the Babylonians, Greeks, Romans and a few others tromped all over Proximania, the Laterians arrived, however late, conquered and held it for a few hundred years, after which the Turks took over.  The Turks are not Laterians, in case Helen forgot.

After World War I, the Turks were essentially replaced by the British, who, as usual, screwed up an entire region to make themselves feel important.

But Helen doesn't really care about that, nor should she.

Pretty much everybody in Proximania claims to be biblically descended from Abraham.  The Laterians claim descent from Abraham's first born, Ishmael, Firstians from number two son, Isaac.  Sounds pretty equal until one recalls that Abraham sent Ishmael packing so he could give everything in and around his tent to Isaac.  This was probably unfair, but Ishmael was smart enough to go where the oil was, while Isaac got stuck with sheep, goats and the as-of-then unbuilt Jerusalem.

Take a minute to calculate who got the better deal.  Use a computer.

Ishmael's descendants, the Laterians now seem to want the oil and the sheep, goats and since-built Jerusalem. But Helen doesn't see that as a problem since the Laterians were there when she was born, so she was an eye-witness to their rights.

However, astonishingly dumb that may sound, Helen is still right. Everyone should go back where they came from. To show evenhandedness, start with Americans. It is well known that no one was in America to begin with. Dinosaurs, ferns and cockroaches, maybe, but people? Nope. So, every American must go back to...

Before you leave, Helen, help your fellow Americans out, here. Where did Americans come from? Really.  Or Europeans? Nigerians? The Hawaiians? Not to mention the Firstians and the Laterians Proximates.

The answer has been established in this Blog (see link above) and, admittedly, elsewhere.

It all started with the Big E, Mitochondrial Eve. So, starting tomorrow, everyone--repeat, everyone--everywhere, including Helen, pack one carry-on and report to the nearest train station. Next stop:  Kenya.

Firstian Proximates(tm) Subdue Armada Sissormen

Things have been quiet over in Proximania for weeks.  Or, maybe, you have been too busy watching oil and water mix, badly, in the Gulf of Mexico and Mexicans and Golfers mix, badly, in Arizona.

Well, the Firstians (as in "We Were Here First Before We Weren't-ians") of Proximania saw trouble coming while everyone else was cheering R& Paul and his repeal-Amendments-13-through-14 speechifying and BP's... well, whatever it is BP has been doing.

If you missed it, too, there was huge Armada of six ships teaming with foreigners and steaming for Proximanian waters.  It must have been pretty clear that this Armada might shatter the Firstian blockade and boost the morale and diet of the Strippers faction of the Laterian (as in "We Came Later But Still...") Proximates, led by the dreaded Head-Scarfing Strippers, by landing munitions like falafels and Chinese dry wall.  The lead ship may have had as many as 600 active sissor-wielding blockade-busters.

Perhaps, only the Firstians understand that even air from a Turkish boat is better than Stripper air and, thus, as indirectly toxic to freedom and democracy as a Hatter's Tea Party.  The Armada stubbornly refused to turn tail when confronted by the long-established Firstian blockade. Thus challenged, Firstian commandos to board the Armada, armed to the teeth with annoying paintball weaponry, just as soon as the Armada crossed Proximania's 300 mile limit.

Sissors versus automatic paintball fire?  Ugly enough, but you wouldn't expect anyone would get killed.

In Proximania, anything can happen.  Again.

Fight your reflex against everything paintball, though, before you condemn the Firstians.  Remember, these ships were not exactly the Disney Cruise Liners peopled with charming six-foot mice and sexy Tinkerbells.  These ships had more foreigners on them than a pickup in Tuscon and they were out to break the Firstians favorite blockade come hell or... in this case, just the hell part.

The Firstians had no choice.  Strippers might get ideas or, worse, supper, for once.

Many of these Armadian foreigners were from Turkey and were with the Free Gaza humanitarian and gaming movement, hoping to spur tourism for the Strippers by comping all hotels and meals for those gambling their wallets and lives to visit Stripper venues.

Ironically, Turkey was, until this Armada thing, the Firstian  Proximates closest friend in the Middle East, which may not be saying much.  Needless-to-say, planed joint exercises, such as yoga, paintball war games and a late lunch at Chucky Cheese between the Turks and Firstians are pretty much off.

A lot like The Big O's upcoming tea with Bibi Netanyahu (like either one cares).

And, as usual, when the Firstians defend themselves, foreign protesters hit their foreign streets and vie for TV time with a multimillion dollar plume of crude under the sea, the Greek budget and Shrek.

With the usual success.

Proximania(tm): Okay, We'll Talk Past Each Other

Indirect talks have been okayed in Proximania(tm), at least by the Arab Proximates (or as some would say The Later Immigrants).  The Israeli Proximates (or The Earlier Immigrants) have always been willing to hold indrect talks with their fellow Proximates, preferably over a wall.

This Blog has discussed the Proximania issues often enough, probably fourth only to Toyota, Arizona and Megan Fox, not in order of importance or preference.  Indeed, this Blog might rightly claim the next Nobel-Obama Peace Prize for easing Proximania tensions with the invention of the catchy new trademark for the region itself.

(Feel free to tweet a nomination at @Nobelprize_org for the Peace Prize, the fiction prize being all but locked up--pun intended--by Arizona.)

The thriving construction industry in certain parts of Jerusalem has been annoying to a lot of Proximates, but apparently, the American President, The Big O--who discretely implied he might just claim all of Proximania himself through his Kenyan ancestors, who really were there first--has prevailed upon PLO (Proximania Left Overs) President Mahmoud Abbas to defer foreclosure proceedings for now.

The indirect talks will be held any place other than Jerusalem or Gaza.  Two comfortable chairs will be placed back to back, but not touching.  American envoy (French for "Oy, send someone else") George Mitchell will have two small wooden chairs, one opposite each of the Proximate's nicer chairs.  George will dance in a prescribed circle until the music stops and sit in the closest of his chairs.  The specific dance will be chosen by George's boss' wife, Lady O.

Dancing in an elipse would be more efficient, but the position of the two pins, the length of the string and hardness of the pencil, all needed to draw the ellipse properly, could not be worked out during the Bush Years of Desert Wandering and many indirect indirect, low-level meetings.  Maybe two of them.

Once George (the Mitchell one, again) is seated, the party opposite him will talk in his direction for an unspecified time.  The music will begin again at a random--like the Oscars--and George will rise and boogie off again.  Because the music should reflect the spirit of the occasion, one song each will be chosen by the two Proximate representatives.  The choices will be made from the songs of ELO (which sounds as close to PLO as you can get), but only from their Camp David Era (late '70's) and "Xanadu" work.  These will then be alternately be played over and over again by the renowned, if rarely enjoyed, International Strings-Attached Quartet.

All major issues will be open for indirect discussion:  The history of Jerusalem; putting a subway under the Wailing Wall and the Dome of the Rock; rate of return; who has the better religion; which way is faster to heaven, via Jerusalem or non-stop from Mecca; rebuilding Solomon's Temple, but on casters; iPad usage; the cause of earthquakes; how to domesticate Hamas.

These historic talks will continue as until all issues are fully resolved and peace is declared or George can no longer stand all the disco'ing to ELO in perfect circles.

Suggested name for the talks:  The Hustle.

Key Condition Met for Peace in Proximania(tm)

The peace talks for Proximania's messy God-Gave-Who-What-When dispute can now proceed to the next precondition.  The thorniest of them all has been resolved.

Israel will now allow both Israelis, their tourists and their Arab Proximates to buy and use iPads without warrantless detention.

Virtually everyone on Facebook hailed the announcement as "liked", right under the precious picture of the family puppy's really cute rear end in action.

The Gang of Four met secretly in Geneva, because of the good fishing pond, to discuss a tentative response to the news.  And possible sanctions against puppies.  On a related note, The Big O was so delighted that he texted a jolly invite to a celebratory afternoon tea on his very own iPad, which mistakenly routed it to "TP" on his contact list, which is why Alice Palin showed up in her pinafore instead of the expected Hillary Clinton.

iPads in hand, Israelis and their favorite Proximates can instantly know where in Jerusalem they are building houses.  This is important because...  well, because each side says so.

With iPads, all Proximates living outside of Proximania can more easily find their way back to the beautiful ranch houses and bountiful farms they left behind when Nebuchadnezzar II deported everyone to Babylon; or, much later, when the rest of were forced to move by Otto Preminger to clear the battle scenes filmed for the fabled Exodus, but with Paul Newman instead of  Moses.

iPads will change everything.

Iranian President Egad, spinning anticly atop an advanced centrifuge, had only good if garbled things to say about the breakthrough, so his remarks went unreported.

Proximania(tm): Mid East Solution Complete with Trademark

You know you were ticked off at the Israelis for telling the world that it would build more townhouses in East Jerusalem as soon as Joe Biden went home.  Did Bibi Netanyahu say that these houses were only for Israelis crazy enough to live in them?  Probably, but not quite that way.

How did the Israelis' Proximates take it?

Proxi-what?
 
It's important, but we'll get to that.

First, the Israelis' Proximates (Palestinian Arabs) were not wild about this expansion in their hood.  Some brave Proximates shot off a rocket from their Gazan hiding place into Netiv Ha'asara, part of what most of the world agrees is Israeli territory.  According to MSNC, Ansar al-Sunna, a group so radical that they think Hamas are pussies, claimed credit.  They seemed like they were proud of themselves for killing some migrant worker, a guy who migrated all the way from Thailand of all places looking for work.

They couldn't even hit any Israelis.  Maybe they can't see half as far as Sarah Palin in a fog.

Diplomatically--a term alien to Hamas--the timing was not great.  Europe bigwig, Lady Catherine Ashton, a real British Baroness, had just hopped into Gaza an hour earlier. How embarrassing is that?  And this all happened a day before the International Strings-Attached Quartet was to prattle it up in Moscow about the Israeli-Palestinian troubles.

Was it only a week ago, that Joe Biden was in Israeli getting his ass handed to him by Bibi's home-building government?  It would almost be quaint now, except Bibi wouldn't call Hillary Clinton to explain himself the way Bill used to. 

Everyone's all riled up.  Tensions are shooting blood pressures and oil futures off the charts.

Now, Proximania.  Because the various parties to the Mid East crisis are now calling semi-peace talks that probably won't happen "Proximity" talks, this blog hereby coins a new name for the area:  Proximania.

Screw this Palestine moniker.  It doesn't mean anything but it gets everyone all exercised.  It derives from Philistine, referring to a bunch of Greek interlopers who moved into the area like Israeli's into East Jerusalem.  Let's ditch the designation altogether.

The entire area will henceforth (diplomatic for "from now on") be called Proximania as it once was called Palestine.  Proximania connotes people living side by side, but not really touching, kind of like Ned the Pie Maker and his irresistibly touchable lady-love Chuck in "Pushing Daisies".  (Use the link to buy the series to see how it is such a good analogy, because when they do touch, someone usually ends up dead.) 

Arabs over there can continue to call themselves Palestinians all they want, now, because the term doesn't really have much impact in Proximania.  No one will care who is or is not descended from the Philistines and whether they were from Atlantis or not.

Israelis and Palestinians can call each other "Proximate".  Or "Proximatey" if they are Sea People.  An abbreviation to "mate" is a natural.  And it all  sounds so like a bunch of friendly sunburned Aussies that they will probably stop testing their proximateness with rockets and tank rounds. 

Israel could change its name, if it was smart, to something like The United Jews-Only States of Proximania.  The Palestinians could name their state The Hamasish Caliphate of Proximania.  Neither rolls off the tongue, but have you heard those languages over there?

As you can see, this is all very well thought out by someone who spent three hours either in a governmental office waiting for service or by a silent Skype phone waiting impatiently for Bibi to call.

March 19th shall be set aside as "Proximania Day"(tm), if only because two days were needed to clean up after St. Patrick.  By next March 19th, there should be plenty of Proximania Day emblazoned T-shirts, coffee mugs and AK-47's for everyone.