Proximania(tm): Mid East Solution Complete with Trademark

You know you were ticked off at the Israelis for telling the world that it would build more townhouses in East Jerusalem as soon as Joe Biden went home.  Did Bibi Netanyahu say that these houses were only for Israelis crazy enough to live in them?  Probably, but not quite that way.

How did the Israelis' Proximates take it?

Proxi-what?
 
It's important, but we'll get to that.

First, the Israelis' Proximates (Palestinian Arabs) were not wild about this expansion in their hood.  Some brave Proximates shot off a rocket from their Gazan hiding place into Netiv Ha'asara, part of what most of the world agrees is Israeli territory.  According to MSNC, Ansar al-Sunna, a group so radical that they think Hamas are pussies, claimed credit.  They seemed like they were proud of themselves for killing some migrant worker, a guy who migrated all the way from Thailand of all places looking for work.

They couldn't even hit any Israelis.  Maybe they can't see half as far as Sarah Palin in a fog.

Diplomatically--a term alien to Hamas--the timing was not great.  Europe bigwig, Lady Catherine Ashton, a real British Baroness, had just hopped into Gaza an hour earlier. How embarrassing is that?  And this all happened a day before the International Strings-Attached Quartet was to prattle it up in Moscow about the Israeli-Palestinian troubles.

Was it only a week ago, that Joe Biden was in Israeli getting his ass handed to him by Bibi's home-building government?  It would almost be quaint now, except Bibi wouldn't call Hillary Clinton to explain himself the way Bill used to. 

Everyone's all riled up.  Tensions are shooting blood pressures and oil futures off the charts.

Now, Proximania.  Because the various parties to the Mid East crisis are now calling semi-peace talks that probably won't happen "Proximity" talks, this blog hereby coins a new name for the area:  Proximania.

Screw this Palestine moniker.  It doesn't mean anything but it gets everyone all exercised.  It derives from Philistine, referring to a bunch of Greek interlopers who moved into the area like Israeli's into East Jerusalem.  Let's ditch the designation altogether.

The entire area will henceforth (diplomatic for "from now on") be called Proximania as it once was called Palestine.  Proximania connotes people living side by side, but not really touching, kind of like Ned the Pie Maker and his irresistibly touchable lady-love Chuck in "Pushing Daisies".  (Use the link to buy the series to see how it is such a good analogy, because when they do touch, someone usually ends up dead.) 

Arabs over there can continue to call themselves Palestinians all they want, now, because the term doesn't really have much impact in Proximania.  No one will care who is or is not descended from the Philistines and whether they were from Atlantis or not.

Israelis and Palestinians can call each other "Proximate".  Or "Proximatey" if they are Sea People.  An abbreviation to "mate" is a natural.  And it all  sounds so like a bunch of friendly sunburned Aussies that they will probably stop testing their proximateness with rockets and tank rounds. 

Israel could change its name, if it was smart, to something like The United Jews-Only States of Proximania.  The Palestinians could name their state The Hamasish Caliphate of Proximania.  Neither rolls off the tongue, but have you heard those languages over there?

As you can see, this is all very well thought out by someone who spent three hours either in a governmental office waiting for service or by a silent Skype phone waiting impatiently for Bibi to call.

March 19th shall be set aside as "Proximania Day"(tm), if only because two days were needed to clean up after St. Patrick.  By next March 19th, there should be plenty of Proximania Day emblazoned T-shirts, coffee mugs and AK-47's for everyone.

New Home Building Boom in Whose Neighborhood

Building Boom?  Great!

Not in your neighborhood.  Not so great.

In East Jerusalem?  How much is really, really not so great?

Isn't building in occupied territory illegal under international law?   Uh huh.  Almost as illegal as invading another country because you really dislike their dictator.  But some people do this kind of stuff anyway.

Israel has its reasons.  After toasting the Arabs in 1967, it annexed the newly conquered  East Jerusalem the way The Book's King David did a few thousand years ago.  Assuming he existed.  Not that the maybe-David's rule thereabouts lasted for very long.  The US and rest of the international community do not recognize Israel's post-conquest annexation of Jerusalem and occasionally denounce the gentrification of the town's eastern neighborhoods.  But every developer of note runs into such guff and you're not much of a developer if you quit at the first bit whining by locals, outside do-gooders or Europeans.

This new home building approval came just after American VP Joe Biden had finished talking, this time with Israel PM Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu, not to be confused with Bebe Neuwirth from "Fraisier" who could dance circles around Bibi and Joe longer than Joe could talk and you know how long that is.  Anyway, in a joint news conference Joe and Bibi announced a start to indirect Proximity Talks with the Palestinians.  They are called "proximity" talks because the Israelis and Palestinians are almost resigned to living in close proximity to one another for the foreseeable future.

Unless, Ejad and his Iranian cohorts drive all the Israelis into the sea.  Not problem free, however:  "Hey, damn it!  I'm a Sunni Arab... glub glub."  Like Ejad cares.

It may appear natural that the Palestinians lay claim to Jerusalem.  It is in the middle of Palestine, after all, and isn't anyone who lives--or was at least born in--Palestine a bona fide Palestinian?  Not according to the Muslim variety of Palestinians; Jews don't get to be Palestinians.  Which the Jews probably don't mind.

Clouding it all, the very term Palestine is derived from the name Philistine, all of whom were very much not Jews.  So if the Palestinians are descended from the Gaza-based Philistines, how do they have a claim to any part of Jerusalem?  Well, most Palestinians didn't descend from the Philistines at all, but are Arabs who came from Arabia.  Arabia is the place where The God of Abraham--and of your Jews, Muslims and every single Christian (and the very same God most atheists don't believe in)--planted Ishmael after his step-mother banished him from the family tent.  Arabia has lots of room--and dry heat--and not all that many inhabitants, sort of like Nevada, but without the dice.

The Jews did rule a nice junk of Palestine a long time ago, especially Jerusalem.  The Philistines may have sacked it a few times.  But the Persians conquered and ruled the whole area, including Jerusalem, for a while until Alexander took it and Persia from them.  So did the Romans.  You don't hear them demanding it as a provincial capital, not even Persia, now spelled "Iran" on your map.  The Turks ruled Jerusalem, too, more recently than any Arab.  Even the British did, who took it from the Turks.  The Philistines?  Not really.

So...  What?

If history teaches us anything, it teaches us that..., well, it doesn't matter.  Nobody really has a claim on anything, since we all came later and from somewhere else.  Except, perhaps, Kenya, where The Big E (our Mitochondrial Eve) started the whole messed-up human race.

And, oh, yes, our American President, The Big O, is a direct descendant of The Big E.  His own father was Kenyan and much more recently than pretty much anybody in Palestine or in East Jerusalem.

Well.  Who has the best claim to Jerusalem, now?