Scaley Has Jon-Bob Spank Terror-Huggers

Antonin Scaley's black-robed possee dealt terrorist-huggers everywhere a major setback.

Ruling 6 good to 3 not-invited-next-time, the Court ruled that if you give a terrorist group advice or training, you are just as bad as they are.

Scaley's nominal Chief Justice, John Roberts ("Jon-Bob" to friends of this blog), was assigned to write down Scaleys' thoughts on the matter.

Justice Stephen Breyer ("the Ice Man", for obvious reasons), was allowed to disagree in public.  The Ice Man read his dissent aloud so FOX Spews would not lose the text completely.

TBO sent some minions to agree with Scaley's view, although it is not clear where he could find any.  Through them, TBO claimed that "material support", under the Be Unkind To Terrorists statute, meant pretty much anything.  TBO now has more power over Americans that Dick Cheney or The Alice of the Tea Party of Wonderland, Sarah Palin.

According to Jon-Bob, here's it works.  TBO scans the globe (Mars starts next term.  And ha ha).  He then points a finger at a bunch of Sihks, say, singing acapella to their favorite candidate on a Charleston, SC street corner.  That is enough to designate them as a terrorist group, even if TBO was just indicating that he liked the hue of the lead singer's raghe... turban.

Now that, the group is a designated terrorist group, they are off limits for any training or advice, because anything that helps the terrorists, ups their morale, makes them happy--or even less miserable--or better informed is now a waterboarding offence.

Examples Jo-Bob probably meant would be:

Showing a terrorist how to inflate his new Nike's on the subway;

Teaching a terrorist how to surrender;

Giving any New York cabbie directions to Yankee Stadium;

Paying any New York cabbie;

Adding terrorists to your nightly prayer list;

Putting a soaking wet towel on your head in 99 degree heat;

Suggesting, just in passing, that a terrorist consider making peace with infidels;

Broadcasting Sean Hannity (no, wait, it said "better informed");

Showing stills of any Megan Fox scene in which she wears a boostier in "Jonus Hex";

Showing stills of Megan and Brian Austin Green with BAG's face photoshopped out and replaced with that or your favorite blogger;

Explaining a Scaley Court decision;

Offering a terrorist five tiny pretzels on a three-hour USAirways flight that will connect through Philadelphia to anywhere useful;

Feel free to add ideas in comments below.  Do not worry, though, no terrorists read this blog, because it seems to be a big damned secret.

US Terrorist Policy: Just Shoot the Bastard!

It started under George III, but The Big O has continued the policy included in the title of this post.  Basically, if we spot a terrorist walking down a dusty road in Afghanistan, Somalia or Not-Pakistan, we shoot first and ask questions of... well, of scooped body fragments, but really of DNA.

Some sissies in the intelligence community insist that we are losing important opportunities to get some names, ranks and serial numbers.  All of which are either fake or nonexistent, but we do need them for our terrorist contact list.

Didn't we try the capture approach and fill up half of western Cuba with the results?  And now, we are stuck with trying the best of the captured some place Outside of New York.

Fortunately, we don't have any place to put the terrorists we would capture.  TBO is closing Guantanamo Bay's Terrorist Correctional Facility sometime soon.  Romania and Egypt have full slate to practice on and won't need any more for years.  Bring them to Outside of New York?  On US soil?  Can you find a nice spot where all the lawyers are at the bottom of a lake?  I didn't think so.

Haiti?  That is an excellent suggestion considering the Cirque tents on their way.  But those tents are to help Haiti's government get organized.  That means the Cirque tents will be tied up until Global Warming eliminates the need for a Haitian government all together.

Worse, after putting our CIA and Special forces guys and their helicopters at risk, all we get is "I don't have a present recollection" or "It depends on what 'is' is" before a panel of interrogators.  We have to simply write that response down (only once, followed by 238 ditto marks) and accept it all.  Under Congressional subcommittee precedent, we just have to take it and live with it.  Should a terrorist be held to a lower standard than that applied to a President, Cabinet member, tobacco executive or  Enron CEO?

Those neat Predator flying robots don't worry about capture and a chat.  They have Hellfire missiles with semi-precision laser aiming and Virginia-based triggers, for reasons not including an invite to gossip over low voltage electrodes. 

In Afghanistan itself, we have High Mobility Artillery Rocket systems that can whack a Talibaner from great distances without a harsh word or a single day of water-boarding.  And the accuracy is to within 1000 feet or 17 civilians, whichever is better.

To paraphrase, In war, the first of many victims is accuracy. 

Besides, those 17 civilians may not be all that civil and most of them probably grow a certain dangerous-to-Americans plant in their backyard garden or press said plant into Afghan Poppy Juice concentrate.  We'll ask their DNA later.

Surely, TBO may hate to admit it, even to Lady O, but George III was on target this one time.  No one loves this policy, really, but no one loves a terrorist, either.  For PR or blogging purposes, both President have, as I have, abbreviated the formal policy designation to punch it up for a better  executive order of blog post banner;  the real, classified title over the Presidential signature is too long and appropriately vague: 

Line 'Em Up, Pretty Well, and Just Shoot in the General Direction of the Bastards!