Newt Decrees Ultimate GOP Fall Back

Over its entire personhood, this Blog has wondered how much further its Republican chum wanted turn back their clocks. Beyond, that is, the usual, depressing November hour.

For Pat Buchanan, it was surely back to beginning of “Father Knows Best”.  But back to the 1949 radio or 1954 TV version?

For Antonin “Scaly” Scalia, it was 1788, when the Constitution was being written without anyone's authorization.

For Rick Perry... Uh. (Whisper) The Magna Cum... Carter. 1215. That's it!

Anyway, the wonderment is over.

Relax. It's not that far.

In the eye of Gingrich, that time reboot is a relatively modern 1802.

Ever the historian of record for any Christian Family-After-Family Values Party, Newt pandered back to 1802, this during what was--you hope to God--the last Republican pre-Iowa posture test. The clock face cracked at 1802.  This date was necessitated by Newt's bold plan to place the Personhood Doctrine right up there with the Bible and the Constitution, no matter what Scaly and the Supremes may say.

The Personhood Doctrine, more liberal than that of Newt's new boss, the Pope would even consider, finally establishes for all-time that the right to a separate lawyer begins when an human egg is fertilized. Even on a unisex toilet seat.

To put the Supremes in their place, Newt harkens back to, perhaps, the most famous American Biblical editor and slave-owning race-blender, Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson invented the razor cut and later added pasting, the combination of which he perfected, without an iPad, in rejiggering the Bible, along with any other books and documents that needed his help.

In 1802, Tom Jefferson and his number one Democratic-Republican--ah, the good old days, eh, Newt--flunky, Jimmy Madison cooked up a plan to extend the vacation of the Supreme Court way beyond two weeks and have their newly elected majority in Congress roll back the judicial clock to the the near- Scaly 1789. This very pre-Walmart rollback seemed fair to Tom since he and Sally Hemings were mostly in Paris and could hardly be blamed for that year's Judicial Act. Fair or not, there were, as there always are, nay-sayers.

One such was Billy Marbury, whom this maneuvering deprived of the political job he had been promised by John Adams, who ended up with a better TV movie than Tom or Jimmy ever got, unless you count when Yul Bryner proved he could do more than dance and tick off Moses by doing “The Buccaneer”, in which Jimmy let the British burn the White House. And the Capitol, not that he cared all that much.

Jimmy Madison, not Yul Bryner.

To Newt, Billy Marbury's annoyance with Tom and Jimmy is where time stopped. You have seen this time-freeze thing before on TV, all the way back in '61 when the next stop was “The Twilight Zone”. Newt, himself, manipulated time recently when he began ticking the Palestine clock with the day after the Ottomans took over Jerusalem's best parlors.

To Newt, Tom “De-Biblist” Jefferson and Jimmy “Burn Baby” Madison proved his concept that Congress can do whatever the hell the current President or Speaker (rarely both) wants it to do.

Sorry, Newt, but even your clock has to start again. When it does, Billy Marbury sues Jimmy Madison and gives Chief Justice John Marshall a really sweet case with which to smack Tom and Jimmy around... for a couple centuries. Marbury v. Madison is, for those other than Newt and, maybe, Scaly, the most important judicial document in American HISTORY.

Hey, Newt! Landmark!

Not the tour map.

History!

Okay, okay. Newt. Put down that razor.

Whew! Personhood Still Months Away

Haley Barbour is a Person. He is also governor of Mississippi, rightly famous for supporting a redo of April as Not-Winners Month.

By the way, if you have read this far, you are a Person, too.

Oh, no, not a Political Correctness diatribe! No, but you know you are sick of addressing the Chairperson; honoring Joe Paterno as the Sportsperson of the Year; pointing skyward at Superperson;; hiring a Handyperson; spicing things up with a French Person's Outfit and six-inch heels.

(Ignore that last thought. That's just weird.)

Some group named something like Planned Personhood came up with this whole personhood thing and tried, successfully, to get Gov. Haley's vote for an amendment to Mississippi's constitution that may soon be coming to a state near you.

Is Planned Personhood trying to pull a Bill Clinton and redefine “Personhood”? Does the answer depend on what “is” is at the moment is is uttered? Kinda.

Maybe, in Mississippi everyone says “Personhood begins at conception”, but that pretty much has to be it. Sorry, but it sounds forever like a majorly liberal conception, so why did Planned Personhood expect to get more than 43 votes for their amendment in Deep South, Deep Red Mississippi?

In fairness, Planned Personhood looks mighty liberal from here in Naples Bay Village. They only want constitutions and texting conversation to say “life begins at the very moment of fertilization.” Leftist talk, if ever you heard it, at least here. Maybe Planned Personhood is more afraid of Italy than your average investment banker. It is the Catholic Church that has staked out the most right-wing claim: Life begins before birth control is applied or even conceived of, probably in a slightly darkened Walgreens aisle. However that may be translated into English.

The combination of two very liberal-sounding ideas is surely what convinced more than 55% of Mississippi voters who cast ballots to cast out the Personhood amendment. 45% voted for personhood, so give Mississippi credit for some liberalism.

First of all, everyone hates the whole “person” initiative because it was a purely girly idea even before the liberals got a hold of it.

But truthfully, even a layperson's gotta go with the Pope's “life” definition to be really conservative.  Mostly because it is in Latin, the best language for those wanting things the way they used to be.