The Alice Story Headed to Silver Screen?

A pretty accurate fictionalized film of Sarah Palin's journey from Alaska and Arizona to the top spot in The Tea Party of Wonderland?  You betcha.

Blog favorite, Megan Fox is attached to play the lead, The Alice, as a slightly shorter (in centimeters),  much smarter dresser (in square centimeters), more literate (in tattooed words) version of the real fictional character.

(This blog is too humble to reveal who wrote the original 23-word screenplay, even while the sequel "Drill Babies BP Cavalcade of 2010" is stuck, really stuck, on page two.)

Lindsay One-Name had originally been tagged as The Alice, but her rigorous, nightclub-and-alley-centric training for her Linda Lovelace vehicle seemed to have her slurring her screen-test line readings.

Ms Fox snagged the choice role on the strength of her work in "Jennifer's Body", in which she played a similar character, and her running body in "Transformers Two.

The challenge for Ms. Fox is to play The Alice beginning in her youth, as the perky point-guard nicknamed "the Barbie-cuda", through her triumph as Miss Gnome (Wasilla being way too hard to pronounce with a sexy giggle), to her stint the cheer captian for a snow-mobiling Dude sponsored by BP.  Ms. Fox is fascinated with playing The Alice as a donkey-skinning, ultra-farsighted politician, but is mostly “thrilled to get to run for Vice President with that old beer salesman guy from Panama Mr. Obama beat.”

It is a true American tale of the transformation of a short, small free-country girl to an indomitable presence towering over the nation's political landscape like the Colossus Helios did the island of Rhodes.  Before it fell over.

The A-list role has its perks.  “It is fun flying in private jets, eating at six-star restaurants and staying in penthouse suites,” actress Fox said.  “But I miss Olive Garden and I sneak out for a few bread sticks sometimes.  You really need a napkin with all the garlic.  I bring one from the hotel.”

“I won't be getting those after a couple weeks. Not the napkins.  I still get them.  But it's not like the Car-Bot shoot, where they made me gain ten pounds for running in the t-shrit.  That was bread sticks 24-7.  The Beef was cool--I called him that 'cause it's French--Anyway, Shia?  He'd kiss me anyway"

So hard to believe.  What a trooper, Shia.

"But this time I have to lose thirteen pounds, can you believe it?  Anyone can kiss me now."



"It's because The Alice gets pregnant.”

As the later scenes of the script are being finalized, Ms. Fox, now in gloves, is being fitted for her million dollar Vice Presidential campaign wardrobe.

As for the titleating climax, Sarah Palin's coronation as The Alice, Ms. Fox will, in spite of a the off-the-shoulders pinafore-only costume, “try to play it at least as as realistically as Meg Ryan.”

Casting the fanciful Tea Party of Wonderland characters, each wearing identical 19th Century Libertarian hats and speaking identical lines?  Well, that is a chore Ms. Fox is happy to leave to the producers.  “I do like animals and I even dated a teabagger.  But I know that hatting, it can make your brain swiss-cheesey.  Which may explain the Tea...”  When a PR assistant interrupted Ms. Fox with a handy breadstick and napkin.

Sarah Palin had demanded final script approval, but yielded when reminded that she had to finish her newspaper first.

The film, in full 2-D, is expected to be released in May 2012.

Just in time.

Study: Pets Listen Better than Husbands

According to the study, a full one third of all women think pets listen better.

Including a crayfish.

But do you really need a post on this one?

Of course, pets listen better than husbands.  First, of all, they have much better hearing, picking out the sliding sound that a cat food can makes coming off the shelf and what lawn mower?  Men can only pick out the sound a six-pack makes landing on the counter and in the middle of the first quarter.

Mostly, though, it is the questions directed to the recipient:  And worse, the answers expected.  Do women expect their pets to answer in complete phrases?  A wag of the tail seems acceptable for any dog; a snout wrinkle for a pig; a blank look for a cat.

Husbands, over time, have experimented with complex gestures, like palms and shoulders up; pleasant expressions like a smile; or single word all-purpose responses, like "fine", all with limited success.

Does a turtle have to worry that "beautiful" will be rejoined with "As beautiful as that little Megan at the Olive Garden?"  Turtles can seem to take their time to answer, as well.  Husbands have, maybe, a nano-second.

Sample questions from the study:

Pet:  Do you want to go pooh-pooh?
Husband:  This black pump or... this black pump?

Pet:  Do you like flaky salmon?
Husband:  So, do you like cold Tuna Helper?

Pet:  Do you love mama?
Husband:  Will you still love me when I can't wear five inch heels?

Pets:  Do you like "Gossip Girl", too?
Husband:  Why, exactly, do you like "Gossip Girl"?

Pet:  Isn't Daddy an asshole for forgetting his anniverary?
Husband:  You can't remember one lousy day a year, you asshole?

Pet:  Sit on mama's lap?
Husband:  And where was that lap during Happy Hour?

Pet:  I know you won't say anything to Daddy, right?
Husband:  Why can't you talk to me?

Pet:  Do you want to go outside?
Husband:  Do you want to sleep in the driveway?

So.  Reverse the questions and see how much that damned pet listens.

And are they sure it was only 33%?

Super Bowl Ads: Shallower is Better

The best of the 2010 Super Bowl ads?

Cell phone, Megan Fox, really small tub.

Second?  Dave, Oprah, Leno, awkwardly small couch.

I have endeavored since I started this blog to hide my fixation on Megan Fox.  You may note that my profile lists me as male.  End of secret.  Neither am I usually obsessive about freckles (that Anna Freil thing notwithstanding).

More to the point, Megan has battled gamely space-worm-sized robot cars and toasters and has gotten quite dirty in the process; hence, the tub.  I have no doubt that "Transformers 3: The Droids Devour Olive Garden" will center around Megan, and that lame guy she's usually with, taking on a line of transforming cell phones with cameras.  Everything about the ad almost fits.

Taken all together, then, the Megan Fox ad was the best one. Because it worked.  It is still working, trust me.

I'm headed out to Home Depot right now to get that nifty European-style tub she was pitching.  And fifteen gallons of ice water.