Newt Decrees Ultimate GOP Fall Back

Over its entire personhood, this Blog has wondered how much further its Republican chum wanted turn back their clocks. Beyond, that is, the usual, depressing November hour.

For Pat Buchanan, it was surely back to beginning of “Father Knows Best”.  But back to the 1949 radio or 1954 TV version?

For Antonin “Scaly” Scalia, it was 1788, when the Constitution was being written without anyone's authorization.

For Rick Perry... Uh. (Whisper) The Magna Cum... Carter. 1215. That's it!

Anyway, the wonderment is over.

Relax. It's not that far.

In the eye of Gingrich, that time reboot is a relatively modern 1802.

Ever the historian of record for any Christian Family-After-Family Values Party, Newt pandered back to 1802, this during what was--you hope to God--the last Republican pre-Iowa posture test. The clock face cracked at 1802.  This date was necessitated by Newt's bold plan to place the Personhood Doctrine right up there with the Bible and the Constitution, no matter what Scaly and the Supremes may say.

The Personhood Doctrine, more liberal than that of Newt's new boss, the Pope would even consider, finally establishes for all-time that the right to a separate lawyer begins when an human egg is fertilized. Even on a unisex toilet seat.

To put the Supremes in their place, Newt harkens back to, perhaps, the most famous American Biblical editor and slave-owning race-blender, Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson invented the razor cut and later added pasting, the combination of which he perfected, without an iPad, in rejiggering the Bible, along with any other books and documents that needed his help.

In 1802, Tom Jefferson and his number one Democratic-Republican--ah, the good old days, eh, Newt--flunky, Jimmy Madison cooked up a plan to extend the vacation of the Supreme Court way beyond two weeks and have their newly elected majority in Congress roll back the judicial clock to the the near- Scaly 1789. This very pre-Walmart rollback seemed fair to Tom since he and Sally Hemings were mostly in Paris and could hardly be blamed for that year's Judicial Act. Fair or not, there were, as there always are, nay-sayers.

One such was Billy Marbury, whom this maneuvering deprived of the political job he had been promised by John Adams, who ended up with a better TV movie than Tom or Jimmy ever got, unless you count when Yul Bryner proved he could do more than dance and tick off Moses by doing “The Buccaneer”, in which Jimmy let the British burn the White House. And the Capitol, not that he cared all that much.

Jimmy Madison, not Yul Bryner.

To Newt, Billy Marbury's annoyance with Tom and Jimmy is where time stopped. You have seen this time-freeze thing before on TV, all the way back in '61 when the next stop was “The Twilight Zone”. Newt, himself, manipulated time recently when he began ticking the Palestine clock with the day after the Ottomans took over Jerusalem's best parlors.

To Newt, Tom “De-Biblist” Jefferson and Jimmy “Burn Baby” Madison proved his concept that Congress can do whatever the hell the current President or Speaker (rarely both) wants it to do.

Sorry, Newt, but even your clock has to start again. When it does, Billy Marbury sues Jimmy Madison and gives Chief Justice John Marshall a really sweet case with which to smack Tom and Jimmy around... for a couple centuries. Marbury v. Madison is, for those other than Newt and, maybe, Scaly, the most important judicial document in American HISTORY.

Hey, Newt! Landmark!

Not the tour map.

History!

Okay, okay. Newt. Put down that razor.

Congressize Social Security!

There is currently much political ado about Social Security. It is called a Contract with Ameri...

A Ponzi Scheme. AIG for old people. A bankrupt burden on our please-be-generous-to-Grampie youth. A giant sucking sound. A Fannie Mae for mortgaging the House of O'bama Socialist Regime.

Basically, Social Security is an investment of the once-current payroll of potential retirees into O'bama's flimsy paper promises to pay out fat retirement income to anyone who can photocopy a social security card.

What do you expect? It was FDR's idea and FDR was no Ronald Reagan. Hell, FDR was no Rick Perry, madly consumed, as he was, with packing the Supreme Court way over its usual eight members. FDR held weekly fireside chats. With wood fires. And do you honestly think SUV's raised Greenland half an inch?

So, every politician this side of Sarah Palin has read that something must be done about Social Security. Whatever is done must be kept secret (this blog being a perfect example) or else FOX will need an army of Lars' Real Girls to handle the opposing views to Hannity 24/7/52.

The favorite solution of the Newts and the traders of Goldman Sachs is to privatize Social Security. George III pushed manfully hard for such an advance, but got himself bogged down in more important pursuits such as creating the Arab Spring and festering the Syrian Autumn.

Face the truth: Privatizing is a seductively simple concept. Just hand over your retirement savings to the bull artists on Wall Street. They will spin it into derivatives and Collateralized Retirement Security Securities and sell it to the Greeks and Icelanders. Again.

2008, you say? Economic Ash Cloud grounding your IRA's, you say?

Pessimists! Was not your glass 401K still half full?

Pumice aside.

Never mind. Who remembers that far back anyway? A brilliant new plan has emerged. Although this Blog cannot rightly claim full credit, it will anyway. "Pushing Daisies" was still of, for God's sake.

Flush that old GOP roasting chestnut. Give your retirement money to the we-can't-miss-crowd: Johnnie Boehner, Nancie Pelosi and Spencie Bacchus and their fellow revelers in Congress.

Super Committee Orgies?  Phooey.

This is the definitive retirement party.

Johnnie, Nancie and Spencie can do something with you money you can't do without sharing a fallen bar of soap with Bernie Madoff. Even Goldman Sachs can't do it without feeling remorse.

Congressional Insider Trading!

Or the new investment grammar: “I before E; when E is everybody else not in Congress.”

These keen-eyed Congressional investors can use any insider information that they themselves generate or even hear from Lobbyists over Christal and caviar to sell everyone, repeat, everyone, else short.

How? Well, you're a Congressperson, named, say, Johnnie or Nancie or Spencie, and your committee tells AT&T that it can, FCC be damned, buy that pink cell phone outfit that looks so nice on that very slim not-Catherine-Zeta-Jones. With that super secret information, you can buy sadly depressed AT&T stock and shares in anything not-so-hot pink, well before the Market opens or is fully occupied.

Oh. You're Shocked! Shocked! Your once limp stocks doubled in price by Noon and you--Johnnie, Nancie and/or Spencie--just made more money than Mitt can gamble away in a thousand debates.

Think of it. You—you're not Johnnie, Nancie or Spencie, anymore, and, like, really you're not--you can not execute the above strategy because you are not otherwise busy writing laws to exempt you and your fellow sharks from being harpooned for stock fraud. But glug not. Give your money to Johnnie, Nancie and/or Spencie to invest for you. And promise not to watch "60 Minutes" and absolutely guarantee you will keep your eyes off anything they do...

[Okay, okay. That was mean.]

Who needs Social Security's investment in 0.01% Gilt Edge Barak-o'bonds?

You won't be needing no measly Social Security Administration less Part B charges direct deposit. Not a one.

Hey, Paulson, Bernanke, throw a wet TARP over this one, baby!

Newt Invents Ottoman For His Feet

Newt Gingrich is a man with two left feet stuck permanently...

[don't go up there!]

Newt Gingrich is an historian. Of all the Republican presidential aspirants in 2011-2040 campaigns, only Newt knows history. All other Republicans except maybe Mitt, know history through the best of all Republican historian known as Moses. Newt, alone, makes up his own.

Lately, Newt has disturbed Proximanians with his scholarly declaration that someone else  made up the Palestinian People (now known as the Proximanian "Laterians"). Now, he is himself disturbed, probably because these Invented People were not a concoction of one of his books, which you can have him sign.  Pretty much anywhere near an early primary.

Still, thanks to Newt, everyone knows that the outmoded term “Palestine” (ingeniously supplanted by the historically better Proximania^tm) never really existed. Palestine was never a state, like, say, Rhode Island, just a part of the Ottoman Empire.

Newt, being an historian, did not bother to define the Ottoman Empire, but it is probably a furniture chain in Georgia accenting the accent pieces that are big footstools. It is hard to establish the origin of the padded footstool, but the chain seems to have started in Eastern Turkey in the 1300's. By 1517, Ottomans were in every master bedroom in Jerusalem and probably the suburbs, like Tel Aviv, and any pubs named Beer-Something-Or-Other.

But it seems Newt dozed off with his feet stuck up on an Ottoman before finishing his Levant 101 syllabus.

Newt makes no reference to what came before the shepherds around the Jordan River began relaxing with their Birkenstock Gizehs up on those cushy stools. Perhaps, Newt believes that the Earth, or at least, the Mideast, was created in 1517, but, as a historian, he knows Irish Archbishop Jimmy Ussher proved that Creation predates Newt's implied date by 5521 years, squarely on a pre-NFL Sunday in October, with that famous bye after the ensuing and busy week.

This kind of confusion can spell doom for any presidential campaign. This is not like guillotining the overcrowded Supreme Court down to eight; or mixing up Iran and Iraq, which will happen in a few years anyway; or abolishing the Department of Oops, which everyone favors no matter what it means.

This is the most fundamental of stuff, especially to Republicans who need to know just how far to turn back the clock.

So, for the next debate, maybe, the Donald can ask Newt to clarify the defining foreign policy issue of the Republican Presidential campaign of December 2011: Did Ottomans, or even feet, exist prior to 1517 AD in Proximania? And who the hell owned them?