Panned Parenthood Saves A Couple Bil

The deal was struck!  The Bureaucracy was saved!  The Budget?  Not so much.

All American workers--aside from the shoe stink-dusters at the Senate gym--breathed a sigh of relief.  All Americans now work for the Federal Government in some guise and the Shutdown scared Whole Foods to death.  Who would buy cheese for $27.65 a pound?

Principled Republicans and Democrats...

Anyway, the politicians who keep us a couple Trillion ahead of a Four Trillion Dollar deficit came together for huge $39.5 Billion--yes, Billion, as in one Facebook share--cut in the non-gym Federal Budget.

But because of Principle...

Anyway, the only way to make the deal work was to finally fix Planned Parenthood.

No, Jesus!  Not that kind of "fix".  But, hmm,  hold that thought.

Planned Parenthood is the Bête Noir of Rightists everywhere, poor choice of racist French adjectives notwithstanding.  Most Republicans still think "Bete" is their second favorite century's top movie starlet or an exceptionally good gay-magnet concert performer.

Planned Parenthood advocates planning parenthood.  Instead of, like, using the driving beat of Bete's songs to time zygote-production the way the Pope and the Irish tried from before writing not in Latin to 1997 and ended up with floods of green beer and stumbling parades in every American city this side of Utah.

While the Deal that Statesmen... Sen. Not-Nancy Pelosi Reid and House Speaker John Boehner so honorably cut will barely prick the deficit, but it took the... "Planned" out of Parenthood.  The staffers, who were right up there with the House masseurs in payment security, are still working out the details, but it is pretty much like this:

Sen. Not-So and Speaker Johnny made a special joint announcement.  To a respectful playing of the anthem--borrowed from a film about a ship about as upside down and underwater as your average Fed-- "There Has to Be a Morning After", hauntingly performed by the Irish-French band RU2-486, the Congressional heroes declared that Planned Parenthood [correction] generously agreed to change its name to Parenthood: Home to the Spontaneous Generation [the crack about renaming it as "Fetuses In a Jar Associates", Speaker Johnny said, was "just my funny"], ship its birth control pills to China and turn its considerable marketing skills, instead, to running running gay sex clubs, handing out some FDA-approved "B", ah, hangover remedy and, most importantly, promoting Absinthe.

Library books containing the words "sex", "condom", "pregnancy" and "welfare" will be cleansed, in all generally empty suburban malls, with subsidized gasahol and tax-exempt cigarettes.  Henceforth, all TV characters will sleep in wool pajamas in  separate Twin Beds, if any of the latter can be found in Hollywood.

Bristol Palin buttons will be worn by all female tweens who seriously can not dance.

Sexually active post-tweens will be requried to marry or swear allegiance to Brigham Young.

Really, no more 3D Katy Perry or 1D Robert Pattinson posters.  Or Megan Fox.  Anything.

The list, as usual, is only limited by the imagination of Congress...

In an extremely brief Joint Congressional Session, the German-born Pope and the Luau-born TB0 and the now-available-for-weddings-and-bar-mitzvahs Glenn Beck will sign the Budget Deal together, hopefully before the Rapture wisks them, Sen. Harry and Speaker Johnny and all the kids away in the middle of...