Afghanistan Idiot: We Know What's Worth Fighting For

Face it.  Do you or Green Day really care about Afghanistan or its combative tribes?  Iraq, now that had oil worth fighting for. Afghanistan has what?  Plants.

Of course, they should have democracy, burqas by Donna Karen, used voting machines from South Carolina and an American air base.  They should be free to press, process and ship-by-super-tanker all the Poppy Juice Cocktail American can drink, too.  They can make those nice throws and dogs, as well.

But, they are still pretty much Muslims who don't want infidels, largely and recently ambivalent about Muslims, shooting up their mountains, deserts  and thorougfares.  Not just Natoans, but Russians, as they indicated pretty well in the 1980's.

America and its willing allies really ventured into Afghanistan (damn it, not "invaded") to catch one guy, Osama bin Laden and break up his day camp network.  The Taliban were simply so obsessed with Buddha shards and repurposing soccer stadiums that they missed the significance of one particular September in New York and, consequently, had to be shown both the boot and the door.  Which door, unfortunately, led them back to Pakistan's mountains where they settled in next to Osama himself  and where the Paki Intelligence Service just couldn't see them.

But really.  Afghanistan?

Oh, my.  How all that has changed.

Suddenly, under all the craggy hills, velcro-jamming sand, motley goats and prayer rugs Afghanistan is rich.  Trillion dollars in minerals we need rich.

In a country where almost half the population lives on less per day than it cost to buy your Starbuck's latte on that day; where more than a third of $13 Billion in GDP comes from poppy juice and its derivatives.  And that gaudy GDP is about 20% of what the US spends in shooting up the montains, deserts and both thoroughfares there.

The US Geological Survey, under contract with Harmid Karzai (but hopefully not his cleverer brother, Ahmid), found lots of gold, copper, iron ore and other mundane minerals.  Like iron ore is worth an hour of drone fuel.  True, but that's not the sexy stuff.

Sexy?  Afghanistan?  The camel vacation spot where Mullah Monocle made the guys where scraggly beards and the women head-to-toe draperies?

Can you spell Lithium?

No, not as in the med you just refilled. For batteries.  The bass-drum-beating bunny things we're just beginning to need.  For Priuses and their electric cousins;  for storing solar energy where the sun don't shine and wind power when your flag flags.  For our army of iPads and Droids.  For crystal meth manu...  Well, lots of important stuff.

Trying to revolutionize energy without Lithium is like trying to have a beach party without BP.

Ironically, TBO, just tonight, after asking the very same BP for some cash, has called on all Americans--except Dick Cheney--to gear up, seriously this time, for the green energy revolution.  Like it was a big-time war or something.  Our Green Day is upon us (to complete a quasi theme).  And guess what afterthought is suddenly front and center in that Green Day revolution, at least until solar cells can run on moonlight.  That would be long after your Lithium-driven pacemaker quits one last time.

Not a question, this time: Afghanistan.

That's almost like a big-time war already.

Afghanistan: Operation Candlehour Burns

Or, about as brightly as you'd expect it to.

With Operation Candlehour, the US and NATO (or Not Afghan Treaty Organization) intend to take Kandahar, Afghanistan and turn it into condos.  A bold and meritorious idea, but not easy to accomplish in that market as in Marjah.

Candlehour means "light at the end of the tunnel thrown by one candle for one eleventh hour".  Or not very damned much.  Named after several different Vietnam-era strategies, all of which ended with both the tunnel and the city of Saigon being named after some other guy with a scraggly beard who was not Uncle Sam.

If it worked well in Vietnam...  Well, it's worth a shot, anyway.

You may remember Kandahar as the poppy-festooned capital of the Taliban when they were blowing up Buddahs and stoning... well, just about anyone wearing lipstick in repurposed soccer venues. Incredibly, many Kandhardians are whistful for those days of "very serious, tough but fair" government, the current one being failry tough to take very seriously. And, please, watch your wallet.

To set the tone for the operation, US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has announced that, under Operation Candlehour there will be no tank tops parading down the streets of Kandahar, which is both good PR and practical disaster planning.  The last tank top parade you saw was the Pride thing at Disney Orlando and that sucker brought on a mess of huricanes.

Operation Candlehour is going to be tricky, as the generals will need a measure Afghan political clearance to advance very far. Before the US and NATO brass can so much as blow up a house, for example, they must consult President and Closeted Talibanista Harmid Karzai.  It seems clear that President Karzai has the de facto power of veto.  But only as to one house, after which whole neighborhoods may wish for that tank top procession instead.

Plans are to flood the area of two million Taliban sympathizers with 10,000 extra troops, primarily looking to help only the good Kandahardians across the street to Iraqi-style democracy.

Kandahardian city police, usually on street duty, have been extensive retrained, mostly in ducking and covering, like there was an atomic bomb coming (see Plan B below).  Most of the provincial courtrooms are overseen by fewer judges than "Dancing With the Stars", which, it turns out, is okay.  The Kandahar jail is already way over the one-prisioner-per-HD-TV rule mandated by American sensibilities.  So, there is no place to put all the soon-to-be-stranded-across-the-street suspects.  Not this side of Waziristan, anway.

The second phase of the plan is to bury Kandahar in smiles, ribbon-cutting-worthy developmen and heart-felt promises of more to come, a strategy that worked so well in, say, Watts or East St. Louis. Trying to find honest pro-Karzai officials to run such projects is harder than getting Lindsay One-Name into court for fifteen minutes worth of "Oh, Je suis désolé, but I just lost it partying, on Wednesday.  And my passport,too."

Ahmed Karzai, Brother-in-Chief in charge of influence-by-EBay, sells access to Harmid for thousands of pounds, like he was a Fergie who can't sing and it's dried poppyade.  Ahmed boasts that he can--and please start the bidding--bring the Candlehour-chastened Talibanista to the table.  The table in question being the one so feebly lit by the tunnel-visioned candle for which all this was named to begin with.

Sure, he can, but he make them stop with the RPG's anytime soon after they get there?

Remain calm.  The Big O has a Plan B just in case Operation Candlehour gets snuffed. Unfortunately, he has to keep the plan a complete secret until Tuesday, after Jack Bauer finishes up on "24".