Miss USA: Girl Gone Uncontrolled

It had to happen.  We elected a Mr. USA, The Big O, who was born a Muslim in some place Far Far Away, very west of California or very east of Newfoundland, depending on which way you are facing.  He even has a very Middle Eastern name like Barak and a very Osama-like last name

It figures that we'd push back by electing a Miss USA from smack in Middle America, except almost to Canada: Dearborn, Michigan, home, also, of the Ford Taurus.

A Miss USA who happens to be an immigrant. Who happens to be an Arab.  Who happens, unlike TBO, to still be Muslim.

(Oh, and, for some gratuitous irony, the Taurus mountains are in the Middle East, at the heads of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers that flow through Iraq.)

At least she is Lebanese, like Danny and Marlo Thomas, pretty damn TV-Star American, those two.  Not to mention Danny's Uncle Tonoose.

Rima Fakih may be a Muslim, but she left her burqa in a closest up in Dearborn.  And thank God and Allah both for that.  She might have broken her pretty neck if she had tripped over a burqa  instead of just an evening gown.  Fortunately, her swimsuit was not very long (God and Allah, again).

Rima is a Shiite and most of those are in Iran.  Therefore, she should know--and would if she read this blog more regularly--that her gorgeous, swooshing hair will almost certainly be causing earthquakes in Tehran.  And most other places without adequate cloud cover, for that matter.

An immigrant, Rima was lucky not to get the Do You Like Arizona question that sunk Miss "Round-Baby-Round" Oklahoma. Or the Is Mohamed in that Bear Costume query (wisely bleeped out).  Rima only had to declare the birth control pill a controlled substance, instead of the controlling substance it is.  But a wink from The Donald overcame the participle problem without the inconvenience of a google.

Speaking of control, Rima went a little girls-gone-wild a couple years ago in winning a Stripper 101 contest hosted by a local radio show called Mojo. Newly released video, however, shows that her t-shirt stayed down below her navel and didn't even get damp.  She may have thought it a college class, the way she was dressed.  The worst part of the whole bit was that she couldn't keep her hands or pretty butt off the Pole with whom she did the popular ethnic Pecker Dance. The dance being the "ethnic" part.

Like Piotr or whoever complained.

Conservatives in the USA were shocked and frightened by Rima's Muslim victory over the many Crusader choices The Donald had. Many demanded the Threat Level be raised to Reddish Orange or, worse, Orangish Red. Questions ran riot in gated communities:  Was this Political Correctness run amok? Was it the Barak-Ombalming of America? Was it a slap in the faces of Reddish White Arizoniums?

The Tea Party of Wonderland, through its spokes-grizzly, The Alice Sarah Palin, asked if Rima will use her new powers to cut income taxes, but only on its members. And can they keep their guns?

They are, ironically (again), nearsighted.  You may fear Rima now, but she will soon be in a position to go really wild in America, and far, far beyond.  Wait until Rima becomes Miss Universe.

So, It's Not Just Iranian Space Worms

Iran fooled us all.  At least me.  Their storied missile launch was not just about a mouse, two turtles and a peck of worms.  Perhaps, the turtles should have tipped me off.  It ends up that the mission was about Gmail, too.

As in no more Gmail in Iran.

The Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad didn't mention Gmail in his earlier comments about the space shot.  Even Google probably didn't know.  Ejad (as he is sometimes called from now on and pronounced "Egad") wants Iranians to use only home-grown technologies, like nuclear warheads, space worms and, now, SpaceTurtleMail.

Obviously.

Ejad sent the turtles up in the non-worm side of the space capsule to run a communication satellite as the hub of Iran's new email service.  Turtles Bill and Karolyn Slowsky are already well known in the US Web circles as spokesshells for DSL internet connections. 

While there is no Persian patent protection for turtle-based communications, there could be a trademark problem for Iran.  However, it is reported that Ejad intends to fold trademark negotiations into those for forcing most Israelis to swim to Malta, uranium highly-enrichment and Iran's new historic claim on seaside property in Thermopylae, Greece.  It has been a while, but this latest claim was recently renewed after the worldwide interest in "300 Spartans", who did lose the place two-and-a-half thousand years ago to a pre-Ejad Iranian with an easy, short name, Xerxes, and the Greeks are too broke to develop condos there anyway.

With the advent of SpaceTurtleMail, Iranians will not need Gmail anymore, so Ejad just turned it off a day or two ahead of time.  If it lives up to the Ejad's promises, SpaceTurtleMail will give the Iranians a better sense of community, a calmer pace to life, an abhorrence of protest marches and trust in their leadership, especially Ejad.  A guy who gives you free email service, no matter who slow going to and from a satellite, has to be your BFF.

And, you know what?  This best friend will forever listen.

Not Valentine's Day for Iranian Space Worms

Terror indeed.  Iran just sent a mouse and a couple turtles (probably DSL-impaired) up into space along with the worms.  Sound like an amusing, benign little zoo.  Is "benign" a term you associate with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad taking a break from hand-cranking a centrifuge in his garage?

Iran sent up a  communications satellite into orbit about a year ago, which the NSA tapped as quickly as your iPhone or miy Skype line. Most of the talk was just about the number of black-eyed virgins dancing on the head of a pin, anyway. Big Deal.

This Iranian space mission is a different story.

It's not the turtles?  Israel and the US know how to slow down turtles from space, like they have to.  And a mouse, as a mammal, is sure to get motion sickness as its cute white fur ignites in the dive back into the atmosphere at Mach 5 over Tel Aviv.  Weaponized turtles and mice in space has long been anticipated and counter measures to scrape them off pavement are already in place.

These Iranian worms are another matter.  It is unknown what kind of worms they are or if they are worms at all.  Their purpose could be peaceful, like those gravity-free Chinese worms that made very nice black silk negligees for special Valentines... Never mind that.  Iranian's don't make negligees, but they still make the rugs used by Victoria Secret models... Oh, never mind that, either. Iranians make great rugs, so maybe the space worms will weave you a 9 x 12 just in time if you risk a monitored call to Tehran right now.  (It would make half of a great Valentine's Day gift, trust me.)

The space worms.. If I know Ahmadinejad, those worms are probably not going to make you or me that carpet.  More likely they are  gummy worms or maggots with plutonium-powered brains.

Do not even think that about a President of a sovereign nation with a fatwa in his pocket.

Worms are very dangerous as they can multiply a zillion times faster than a single lightheaded mouse.  On Ahmadinejad order, the worm capsule—safely housed in their own detachable capsule sealed away from that  little mouse cheese-deprived and those hungry, snappish turtles--could be sent Earthbound, each worm separately targeted.  Is New York safe?  Pairs?  London?  Your house?

International Space Station research has indicated that, In zero-gravity, worms could grow to be the size of subway cars, but without the beauty of urban aerosol-art. Perhaps, you think, “How much less can my house be worth?”  But it's not just that.  The stock market.... I know, I know, but a 401K could be worth even less if Ahmadinejad has his way.

One frightening hypothetical: proves the point.  What economic disaster would a single Burlington-Northern-box-car sized, plutonium brained worm cause in, say, Omaha, should it land on Warren Buffet's headquarters.  You've waited a generation for  Berkshire Hathaway shares even a blogger can afford and they would be unsaleable and radioactively slimed in one horrible instant.

And, yes, ugh.