Global Warming Causes Piracy

If you could believe an outfit with the name “Woods Hole”.

A bunch of oceanographers up there in Massachusetts are in a tizzy over Carbon Dioxide in the salt water.

Like it can taste any worse.

These scientists published their worried study this month in the Journal of Fish and Fisheries. Care to guess whose side they come down on?

Nope.

Not fishies.

Mollusks and crustaceans. If you graduated 6th grade, you know these things are not fish. So, why not the Journal of Mollusks? Maybe, that journal was full up with dazzling photos of wet shells.

Still, lots of people like mollusks, but only because no one in the restaurant or Publix calls clams and oysters such an unattractive name. And Crustaceans sounds like some dead ethnic group who preceded the Romans. Who wants to eat one of them with drawn butter?

So, were those ancient Crustaceans wrecking piracy of the title? No, they are lobsters and crabs and lots of poor countries rely on them for their Gross Domestic Product and exports, too.

All of that carbon dioxide you exhaled during your workout and driving to the gym or overheating China’s economy? That’s somehow turning the oceans into some sort of acid that these poor creatures don’t like. The Mollusks, not the cranky diggers or the lobstermen chasing touristy swimmers from their pots.

The Woods Hole experts use Somalia as an example, however inappropriately. Somalia, they say has been over-fished—not over-not-fished— to scaly extinction and the fisherman with all those diesel driven boats and AK-47’s have to fill their holds and time with something. Hence, “Let’s go rob a Super Tanker.”

Sure, the poor guy who used to dig clams out of the mud flats with a stick may have two oars and boat. An ex-lobster fisherman may have an AK-47 to pot those tourists,, but chances are his boat goes put-put on a good day.

Of course, everybody feels bad about the pH of the ocean reaching Coke Zero levels and the disappearance of the pretty color coral. Who won’t miss the occasional crab legs or trip with Megan Fox to Red Lobster for Oysters Rockefeller?

They don't?

But, really, heavy breathing just thinking of Megan dooms some poor Malagasy kid to a life with a talon-scared shoulders and a patched aye?

Apparently, melting icebergs and coastlines farther underwater than Arizona and Nevada, those horror stories are no longer enough for the eighteen leftovers in the Al Gore crowd. How many more Prius can one liberal drive?

Still, aside from the economic collapse of Maine, what's the worst that can happen? The Mollusks from the vinegary surf simply evolve and adapt to land life, just like the rest of us had to.


Stop fretting about the planet and think. No more losing Mojito-time scraping barnacles from your yacht. They will dissolve away into the sea without you. Mostly, we upgrade from Clams Bruschetta at Olive Garden to Escargot en croute at pretty much any Bistro this side of PF Chang's. 


Let there be Pirates.

What's in a Kingdominium?

What do you call a Kingdominium that isn’t one anymore?

Transparency Falls Kingdominium had many important issues, but the Privies spent much of their time debating a new name. Not the Transparency Falls part. That they were stuck with, as it was entrenched in Google and Bing. And the King part was long gone.

But “Kingdominium” seemed out of step with the Privies view of themselves as the permanent representatives of the Fallguys.

The latest Rave, called by the Principal, got off to a bad start.

“We could call it a Republic.”

“But then we might be known as Republicans.’”

Upon which much retching and a break to clean up.

“How about ‘Prividom’”?

“Not bad. It really represents what Transparency Falls has become.”

“It is too hard to spell. What is in the middle there? A ‘y’, an ‘i’?”

“And we might want to change the ‘Privy’ title to something more in keeping with our view of ourselves.”

“True, again.”

"How about 'Portominium?'"

"Not bad. We do border a cascade-less canal."

"Ports are great if you're looking for a hookers and peg-leg."

"Hey, I know her."

“’Dominium’. It almost sounds like ‘Dominion’ which was good for Canada for a while.”

“Yeah. They liked it so much they just call themselves Canada now.”

“’Dominium’ was an ‘Exorcist’ prequel. Do we want to be named for a prequel?”

“What’s next?”

“Very funny.”

“If Canada is just Canada, why can’t we just be Transparency Falls.”

“Is your ambition to be just like Canada?”

“Their ‘dollar’, maybe.”

“I can’t believe we’re undecided.”

“There’s always ‘The Democracy of Transparency Falls’”.

Laughter.

“You do recall that we fill out the ballots before we send them out to the Fallguys.”

"We don't have to; it is just more efficient."

"We send them out?"

“Back to Prividom. It’s the most descriptive.”

“Yes, it is the best, but this is too important to rush. Let’s decide in a couple years.”

“And I won't be able to spell it then, either."