Mississippi Welcomes Drill Babies(tm) Ashore

The festive days of Gray History (or We Were Number Two) Month are so over for Haley Barbour, Governor and Historian-in-Chief of Mississippi.

Northern Mississippi more under water than a BoA mortgage, even though Tennessee's Governor and Nashville get all the ink.  Haley has had to ask TBO to send Socialist relief money, but only as much as the Feds would have if they only had a fair and Capitalist flat income tax.  And please don't call it "relief", it sounds lilke welfare or food stamps, although Haley will quietly take the latter.

Haley is plain desperate for something upbeat.

The news may have given Haley the break he deserves.  BP brand Drill Babies will soon be washing ashore along the gulf coast.

Now, most of you don't know exactly what a Drill Baby is.  This is hardly surprising since a Drill Baby is borrowed from an old design very familiar to Haley and his nostalgic supporters:  The no-longer available Tar Baby.

(No longer available means don't be bugging Amazon.com about it.  But you can buy Uncle Remus' stories for you Kindle there, but keep that to yourself.)

You'd think that you'd have a hell of a time having a decent Gray History Month without Tar Babies or lawn Jockeys, but the Grinch known as Political Correctness dampens even the most sacred celebrations.  Tar Babies were Americana dolls, as much in demand all across the deep South as knotable hemp rope or midnight white pillow cases.

Tar Babies were made of thick black tar--left over from feathering--and delicately perfumed with turpentine. Most were cheerily dressed like well-treated slaves.  These were not your American Girl(tm) dolls, mind you, but they were inexpensive and hard as could be to give up.  They were also one quick way to a fox fur coat.  Or at least an ascot.  But that is another story and one that can not be repeated here (see above).

You can imagine Haley's big eyes getting teary at the mere mention of his boyhood favorite d... action figures.  Haley's website leaked plans for Tar Baby Beach Blanket Fortnight in late May...

And quicker than a Loop Current could grease a near-sighted barracuda off Ft. Lauderdale, Haley's site went quite on Tar Babies.

Seems that he received a three AM ring from the Dude-of-Staff  of the leading Presidential candidate.  After a funny anecdote about jet skiing on the second floor of a house in Ripley, Tippah County, Haley got to speak to his very own political cousin, The Alice of The Tea Party of Wonderland (TP), and former BP employee-in-law, Sarah Palin.

The Alice had stayed up late working with BP to refine (pun intended) her message on BP's great new, if unintentional, oil gusher, which gusher just so happened to be south of Haley's state.  She and BP had gotten wind (and ugh) of Haley's Tar Baby Fortnight plans and had something better to suggest.

The Alice had invested much political capital in BP's Drill-Baby-Drill ad campaign and she hoped to capitalize on the highly ranked brand identity (falling somewhere between E-Trade and Lindsay) and "what the heck is a Fortnight, Hilly?"

"It's 'Haley, Madam Alice'"

"And what's a 'Haley', Hilly?"

Still.  Notwithstanding the source, Haley went with the idea.

Everyone relax and enjoy a jolt of the new BP brand Deep Gulf Crystal Meth(ane).  Or the Mississippi State drink, Bottled Second Floor Tap Water.  Late May in Mississippi will be Welcome The Drill Babies(tm) Ashore Fortnight. There will be Petrol-Black-Tie fancy dress balls, backyard cookouts perfectly contained under giant BP-donated domes, gaily... uh, straight-ribboned gray uniforms and of course thousands of Drill Babies at $45.00 a pop and available now on Amazon.com or at participating BP stations for the small version.  The Alice-sized doll will be $10,000 a plate and will not be ashore for another week or so.

Drill Babies are pretty much water-safe, so feel free to use them in your neighbor's pool.  And forget fireworks, because Drill Babies burn like hell.

Best of all the "ashore" part?  That's in Alabama.

Arizona Month: Most Education is Illegal, too

Don't you wish you had made up Arizona?  It's a fiction Pulitzer just sitting there.

The Arizonium legislature, fresh from savoring this blog's definitive opinion that the Constitution need not apply, has outlawed school classes discussing anything about any specific ethnic groups, except for casinos and holocausts.

Also, school systems can not teach any course that promotes the overthrow of the US goverment or resentment of any White race, Upper class of people or gated community.  Teachers must only teach assimilation and integration, as long as minorities are not mentioned, and Individualism, but only as written by Ayn Rand and played, with a broomstick up his... by Gary Cooper.

Tearchers are so confused by their new obligations, they are reviewing text boooks page by...  Screw that, and Global Warming, burn them all.

The results are daunting, especially in history:

The Civil War (or the War to Overthrow the US Goverment In These Here Honorable Slaves States, depending on your flag pin) can not longer be taught, except as reason for Andrew Johnson's, and, later Bill Clinton's, impeachment.

The Revolutionary War can not be taught at all, because it was all about The Tea Party overthrowing the legitimate, if distant and tax-obsessed government of the 13 Colonies.

The Constitutional Convention is off-limits, not just as boring but because that distinguished junta, though unauthorized to do so, supplanted the then-legitimate, if tax-starved, government of the United States of America established in 1781.

Forget the Civil Rights movement, which precipitously replaced long-time Democratic governments with Republican upstarts in Southern States, all that worthwhile integration and motorized assimilation notwithstanding.

It is best to leave out G III's Sojourns in Iraq and Afghanistan, since it might give students the idea that really, really annoying goverments should be overthrown for having oppressive and intrusive governments.

So, maybe teach history over in Nevada.

Science is problematical, too, as orthodoxy is constantly challenged and often overthrown.  Thomas Friedman's recent discovery that the Earth is Flat is just one example.  The established fact of Intelligent Design, no doubt popular in Arizonium classrooms and subdivisions, has tossed over the once-entrenched Only-a-Theory of Evolution; Partical Physics has swept away the neat solar-system-of-the-atom drawings; the God-is-Highly-Pissed theory has buried the plate tectonics and other explanations of the earth moving.

More marshmallows, please.

Other academic examples are too numerous to list, but:  Texting has overwhelmed grammar, spelling and ellipses.  Can't teach that.  Craig's List and Classifieds; email and snail mail; rapping and poetry; cable and NBC; Velcro and buttons; Web fund-rasing and $10,000 a plate dinners; political depth, intelligence and knowledge has been ousted by high-pitched rhetoric, really great eyesight and nice legs.

Drill-Baby-Drill has been thrown overboard by Boom-Baby-Boom.

By the way, you might not want to display this blog post in Arizonium classrooms.