Arizona Month: Lakers Roundup Statement

We're back to--but proudly not in--Arizona.

All around the country, cities and even some states are setting up boycotts against Arizona over its Letters of Transit statute with a pretty broad stop-and-frisk provision.  Virtually anyone who is not browner than a medium tan and not black must be stopped and frisked all over for the proper paperwork, called "Letters of Transit".  Because Arizona does not have enough enforcement personnel, all reddish-on-whiteish Arizoniums ("Pinkos") have been deputized to do the stops.

The new law probably calls the resulting action "the Roundup the Usual Suspects that Obama Wouldn't Do."  It has, thankfully, been shortened to "The Roundup".

Letters of Transit are issued to any alien who registers with the State of Arizona and is granted the privilege of "transit" (German for "walking around or riding in a pickup").  Anyone not legally in Arizona or with unpaid traffic tickets must be be derided as an "illegal", designated as a "Usual Suspect", rounded up physically and detained  for a long time.  Or until the next opening is found for a tunnel to Nogales.

While sharing a dais (not, thank God, a Diaz) Arizona governor Jan Brewer consulted with The Alice Sarah Palin of The Tea Party of Wonderland for a few seconds to see if Illegals can be also classified as sex offenders.  Sex offenders can now be detained from Roundup to until a new Constitution is written.  In endorsing Jan, The Alice announced, "All aliens have to have a sex--the census form says so--and they sure are offenders.  So, Jan, Round Baby Round!"

Jan, now with TP cred, beamed, clapped and joined in the "Round Baby Round" chant.  Jan then instructed all cops and Pinkos to feel up and down, thoroughly, all Usual Suspects for any indications of a sex.

Arizona's Attorney General quickly advised Jan that, Constitutionally, hermaphrodites can only be arrested once.

All of this Roundup stuff is too much for states with with large Spanish speaking voting blocks or with borders near Canada.  Massachusetts has declared Arizona off-limits for all state employees, roughly half the city of Boston.  St. Paul, Minnesota, right up there by Canada, has ordered its employees to go to redirect their Phoenix-bound flights to the better-conference-town-anyway of Las Vegas.  San Diego has bared all travel across the San Diego-Arizona border.

In its own protest, South Naples has banned the playing of Mark Lindsay's 1969 classic "Arizona" by any '60's musical act (and that would be all of them) playing on its street.

Which brings us to the LA Lakers, originally from Minnesota, which explains why the name is not "Tar Pits". The City of Los Angeles has more than a few residents who don't dare travel to the Laker-Suns games in Arizona. In fact, the City of Los Angeles has a name that, all by itself, sounds vaguely in violation of Arizona law.

LA Councilman Ed Reyes wants the Lakers to boycott their own Western Conference Final.  At least the games in Phoenix.  To even things out, Ed, following San Diego's lead, proposes the banning all Phoenix basketball players from crossing into LA.  Except maybe Sur de LA.

"Somethings are more important than basketball," opined the Councilman.

Uh.  It's called "money", Ed.

So, the Lakers want to play ball on TNT and get paid.  And win the NBA Championship for their own team members who are legal aliens (at least, when in LA).  Therefore, pressure from both homes notwithstanding, the Lakers will line up and compare tattoos with the Suns and beat them whereever, even in Phoenix.

In a muted show of solidarity with Usual Suspects, however, the Lakers will publicly protest the Arizona Roundup by wearing Spanish numbers on their jerseys.

Arizoniums Must Avoid Alien Contact!

So says Stephen Hawking, the renowned expert on Dark Matters and Cosmetology.

Bravely, Hawking has weighed in on the debate in Arizona over that State's new Aliens Roundup Law.  Hawking, in the upcoming "Into the Universe" TV show, uses a score of Beatles songs to get across his points that that aliens may not be all that smart but are likely very dangerous:  "Do not approach them. Aliens will not understand English. And, for God's sake, do not ride with any of them in a pick-up."

Despite the Hawking revelations, many alien-lovers are imploring the President from Far Far Away to intercede and seriously  bad-mouth the Arizona law.  Neither Shrek nor Barak Obama were available for comment.

Such partisans have been dismissed by upstarts in Dark Matters, such as Glenn Beck of FOX U, who consider them leftovers from the warmly-embrace-invaders "ET" and "Close Encounters" generation.  These are the very ones, Beck says, who missed the more recent and much more accurate "War of the Worlds" and "Transformers II".

Hawking, being British, does not know Glenn Beck or the legality of the Aliens Roundup Law under the American Constitution.  The British may have their own alien problems, but they look far savvier than Americans, having written their constitution in invisible ink long before their western colonists plucked their first quill pen from an Indian Thanksgiving gift basket.  Hence, the British do not have to worry about Sean Hannity reading selected words from their constitution to resolve important issues.  (This topic, but not Sean Hannity, will be discussed in a later much less important post.)

Aliens, Hawking suggests, may be out there in large dark numbers and will attempt to cross our border in stealth vehicles too advanced to be seen by our Direct TV satellites.  They will be seeking either resources to replace their own or, maybe, gardening jobs Americans don't want.  Or both.

Worse, aliens may carry microbes that can annihilate native American Caucasoids with a deceptively chummy handshake.  It could be deadly to hand them anything under the table.  Hawking believes aliens may live in an environment with insufficient water to wash their hands thoroughly.

Do not panic, but they may even be attracted to Dry Heat.

Finally, Hawking emphasizes, it is simply too risky to even try to communicate with aliens. Leave that to the Arizona police.

Illegals Now Really Illegal in Arizona

Finally.  A state takes the toro by the horns and makes it illegal to be illegal.

Arizona, long known hereabouts as the Virgina of the Southwest, has dared to go where no state could get the votes to go.  Its House passed a bill, one that largely matched State Senator Russ Pearce's February effort, in making it illegal as all hell to be in Arizona if you are illegally in Arizona.

It will be a serious misdemeanor to be walking down the street without your Casablanca... er ... Arizona internal Letters of Transit, stamped by Governor Strasser himself.  I mean, Brewer.  Specifically, an alien must carry these papers to prove his/her registration as an alien.

It is unclear if a real Arizonian can walk down the street without Letters of Transit.  Or a flooded-out refugee alien from, say, Rhode Island.  And TBO had better get his letters of transit, too, in case he changes planes in Phoenix on the way to receive an honorary Oscar for his stunningly realistic portrayal of the Cheshire Cat in "Alice's Tea Party 3D".

We all know that anyone stopped by the KGB had to produce some sort of papers to stay off a train headed for Siberia.  Presumably, Arizona is striving for similar effectiveness, but with the much prettier Painted Dessert.  Misdemeanor processing camps will soon be built there using old gulag blueprints from Sen. Russ' own collection.

Arizona cops, from the state police driving the desert to the assistant meter maids in Mesa can arrest any alien unable to produce the Letters of Transit and throw them in hoosegow (conveniently derived from the Spanish word "juzgado", so all illegals will understand what's in store for them).

Even real Arizonians had better be careful, as it will be illegal to drive around town with an alien not having Letters of Transit (perhaps this is where the very name comes from).  If you see some poor fellow who's Lexus SUV has flipped over, do not stop to help unless you can actually read the papers he is waving madly at you.

Arizona will have to issue regulations to provide guidelines and tips for its illegals enforcement professionals in how to ask for Letters of Transit in the first place.  Knowing what hoosegow is in Spanish will first among the shortcuts.  If Russ were to ask other real Arizonians, they could probably put together a list of guaranteed illegal indicators in five minutes.

Most real Americans would only know to start with "probably a shortstop".  After that, we're stumped. Maybe accents could count, so Antonio Banderas and Penelope Cruz should stay in Spain for now.  Any Australian would be better off on that spooky island in "Lost" than in Tombstone. And Confederate Governor Haley Barbour might want to stay in Mississippi until he gets some Letters filled out for him. 

Oh.  The Letters of Transit applications, and their twenty pages of instructions,  will be only in English and, of course, the original German.