Shocking! Devil Not Causing Earthquakes

And you have long thought Pat Robertson had proven that Haiti's pact with the Devil back in the 1800's caused their 2010 earthquake. That earthquake caused horrific effects, including a visit by Sean Penn and a photo of George Bush and Bill Clinton together.

Well, forget that.

Unless Satan is a Capitalist (yes, yes, Barak), he did not cause the end-of-times-of-2011 earthquake that seems to have rattled a McDonald's near Youngstown, Ohio.

Hold on. Ohio? 

Ohio votes Republican!

More evidence that the Devil can not be involved.

The earthquake was not all that bad, a 4.0 on a 10.0 scale (unless Barak raises yet another ceiling). It probably didn't knock the tranche'd pickle off of a single Big Mac or jiggle a chocolate shake. People in Youngstown probably thought it more Walmart price rollbacks, you know, when the Zorro'ed price cards fall away from new, lower ones. Or maybe, Newt Gingrich's polls hitting.

Severity, however, is not the point. The point is what or who caused the earthquake.

Brine.

Wait. Don't flee to the nearest Ru Paul Iraq Indirectly Caused 9/11 Website. Real elucidation awaits. Here, not there.

Brine.

The stuff that makes Heinz pickles down I-76 from the quake?

Not really, although you may have just solved the pickle juice recycling crisis.

Brine is used in Fracking, which is the only way to profit from natural gas stored in the rock under Youngstown and other places. Fracking is all the rage, since it will make America the Saudi Arabia of natural gas. This even though nobody really wants to be the Saudi Arabia of anything, unless you think women drivers...

The United States can not long survive without Fracking. America needs to cook with gas. Figuratively and actually, too.

Natural gas burns cleaner than anything this side of, say, the Sun. It is a great way to make electricity and char Rib Eyes to Pittsburgh Rare. Had America used natural gas instead of coal to industrialize, there would be no Global Warming. Or Al Gore movies. Greenland would be 0.8 inch lower in the water, where it was when the Vikings first rammed a Dragon Head into it. Antarctica would cover Terra Del Fuego, which would just be mapped as Northwest Antarctica, Magellan having circumnavigated only the Falklands for all the damned ice.

Fracking is all about Brine and some benign chemical additives and their high-pressure injection into the gas-hording rock. The rock fractures and America gets gas for it pipelines and twelve fuel cells. Of course, to keep the gasless rock from collapsing, Frackers shoot in sand, long known as compatible with brine and little crabs, into the space where your new water heater fuel used to be. You know how well sand supports your sandal much better near that briny water?

That's the theory, anyway.

Some environmentalists, who obviously do not have land in Youngstown to license, decry fracking as certain to give you earthquakes as well the most environmental-friendly fuel this side of, say, the Sun.

Uh.

Turns out that, however dumb they look hum... hugging trees, these guys are right again.

Earthquakes. Not Satan, Pat. Brine.

So, Youngstown! American! Stop with the Pickle Fracking Juice already!

Not to be confused with Battlestar Galactia-speak. Although, thanks to a few little earthquakes, Youngstown, along with the rest of the now-former Saudia Arabia of Gas, are Frakking doomed.

Bush & Clinton to Work with Devil

Yes, the Bush that does come first to mind, not the usual one.  The second one, called, with appropriate deference by some, George III.

They are going to Haiti, in the wake of a brutal earthquake, hoping to improve housing as both men did while in the White House.  Of course, during their 16 years in Washington, they had the help of the Fed, mortgage brokers and Wall Street.

In Haiti, it will only be Satan.

Rev. Pat Robertson revealed Satan's role in Haiti's government very recently, although, Pat said, Satan has been sort of President Emeritus in Haiti a long time.  That was thanks to a deal with the Haitians to force Napoleon Whatever to give it up in 1803, the same year he pulled off a sweet short-sale of the Louisiana Territory to the US for half a Bank CEO's base salary.  I think Pat would agree that Thomas Jefferson got the better deal.

Satan, apparently, has been fuming ever since, sticking Haiti with voodoo, the French language, pushy tourists and a Gross Domestic Products lower than a Bill Clinton speaking fee.  He did get even with Jefferson, as Pat Robertson will probably tell you, with something called Katrina.

Bush and Clinton can hardly make things worse in Haiti than Satan has, so they are a good choice.  One good fund raiser a piece and Haiti's housing will rise again.  Assuming China has not purchased all of 2010's the corrugated sheet supply already.

And those repossessed Katrina-FEMA trailers would look great in the suburbs of Port-au-Prince. 

It probably won't matter, but Satan may be of little help after all.  Reports have him skipping town before Bush and Clinton even land there.  We know where he's going, too.  Pat Robertson is sure Satan still has his place just outside Orlando.

Go to Google Disaster Relief Page to Help Haiti Out